Musings while in line at the car wash

In Minnesota, any day above freezing there are lines at every car wash in town, as everyone races to wash all the salt and dirt from their vehicles before it freezes again. It’s like a gas rush, but with the car wash.

I’ve got three sleeping children in my car, listening to Yours by Now Now. I love this song. It just feels so good every time I hear it.

 One car moves forward…5 more to  go  

We just got back from sledding. I decided that letting the kids sleep a bit before waking them up was a smart decision. I’m hoping they’re worn out from fresh air and exercise. We met Lover and his son at the hill, and probably got in an hour and twenty minutes before someone got bitten and I decided we were calling it a day.

 Four cars left before it’s my turn. The suspense is killing me. 

Here’s some positivity for your viewing pleasure.

1. Slept in til 7am. This is good for a weekend with the kids. J could have been up at 530. I’m totally good with 7.

2. Had coffee with sister #2 before she went to work. That was really nice.

3. Got a lovely breakfast of eggs, sausage and toast.

4. Sledding with Lover and all the kids. It’s pretty warm out for MN in the winter so this was just what I needed.

 3 cars to go 

5. So many things to choose from. I have all sorts of food in my fridge, with options all over for dinner. Two happy healthy little girls who are sleeping peacefully along with my nephew. A new vacuum cleaner to test drive at home. Today is pretty amazing. 

 2 cars 

 Oh the vacuum cleaner. Funny story about that.

So A decided to vacuum the other day. I’m so happy and proud, my kid wants to clean?! This is great! I have her pick up the floor, looks good, she starts vacuuming, I’m damn near in tears I’m so proud of her and then…

The magic smoke comes out and it’s making a noise like a strangled cat.

 1 car to go 

So I asked Lover to take a look at it, and the motor is literally starting on fire every time I turn it on. Apparently some idiot zip tied pieces of the motor, it got overloaded and started on fire. Who designs something like that? So he pulls off the melted plastic, has me plug it in to see if it’ll work (mind you, it’s all taken apart on the floor) and blue fire is leaping out of it. Yep. Game over. I bought a new one. That’ll teach me to keep the paperwork for the warranty too.

 My turn!

Jan 11

Today wasn’t great. 

Actually, that’s an understatement. 

I don’t want to sit in misery, so here comes some positivity at ya!

1. I was (slightly) early to work today

2. I was provided a lovely breakfast by Lover, scrambled eggs with spinach, green peppers, mushrooms and toast. I wasn’t able to finish it, but it was delicious. 

3. I got my lunchtime errands run, through a blizzard, and wasn’t late back. Freaking impressive! 

4. Celebrated J’s 2nd birthday…she scarfed down pizza, ate cake and ice cream and loves her new toy. I just want to cry….she’s so big. I’m amazed and delighted with both my kids, they’re turning into people and I love it. Miss the baby part, but love my little people.

5. Managed 1.5 hours of homework. I still need to check it. I think I’m behind but I’m being thorough so that’s good, right?

And now…bed. Another positive.

Gas

When you got it, no stopping it. Well, you could but I don’t recommend it.

As someone who has stomach issues that cause horrific gas, my thoughts today have wandered…what are the best places to pass it? And then…Where are the worst?

Best places:

  1. Outside. Especially if it’s windy, bonus for a noisy area where you can be loud and disgusting and no one hears you. Just make sure it’s going to stay noisy. And windy. Nothing worse than one of those hot lingering bombs and it won’t go away outside of all places. (Well kids, we just happen to be downwind of a farm. Yes, I know we’re in the city. Just trust me. It’s a farm. Not your mother.)
  2. Home. I make this second because it’s indoors, and there’s a possibility you can stink yourself and your loved ones out. They may not love you at this point. You may not love you if this happens.
  3. Indoor playgrounds. The possibility of offending other parents runs here, but if it’s a big enough area you can cropdust and blame it on some kid. Because you KNOW at least one kid is running with a full load.
  4. The Car. A moving vehicle with the windows down. Unless you’re in Minnesota anytime between October and April. Then I don’t recommend it.
  5. In line at the grocery store. If you can pull off the silent but deadly, you might encourage someone in front of you to leave. This also requires either an ability to act as though you’re not to blame and also offended by the smell or a complete lack of shame. Own it. 

Next we have the worst places.

  1. First date/first sleepover etc. You want to maybe keep this person around. Maybe you don’t. Let’s assume that you want to keep them around. Embarrassment in front of your boo or bae or whatever the fuck stupid thing people are saying now is not cool. We want to be our best, smell amazing and not be bloated foul creatures like we are at home alone. The point is to not be alone, so let’s break out the Bean-o.
  2. Edit: adding in dance floor. A friend shared an experience where a ten foot section was cleared by a toxic wave emanating from another friend. Although, this could be a good thing too if you’re looking for space from the creepers. Not so much if you’re in the meat market though.
  3. Work. No one wants to be trapped in a small area with an offensive odor. We all know who’s responsible for it, and unless you’re working outside or completely alone it’s just not a good idea. Maybe not even if you’re alone. Once I was working in a locked office all alone, let one go, and then someone knocked on the door. I was seen so I couldn’t pretend to not be there, had to let them in and had a very uncomfortable encounter where we were both trying to pretend there was no smell. The stories go on. I go on. 
  4. A wedding. Unless you are looking for an excuse to get out, then by all means. Light it up.
  5. A funeral. Unless you need comic relief.
  6. A restaurant. Just imagine it…you’re there, you’re hungry, and then this overwhelming stench wafts by from a nearby booth. Ugh. However if you can stand your own smell, maybe it’s fine. Less competition for the wait staff’s attention. This is a positivity blog, after all.

    December 28th 

    So it occurred to me, as I was speaking of my day on the phone a little while ago that I was being pretty negative about a day that wasn’t really so bad. I thought, I need to do some more positivity. 

    So here we are! Lynn is being positive again.

    1. Therapy appointment for A. She was excited for it and talked alone to the therapist for a bit. I feel really good about this, that going forward we can adjust to her working alone with him and thus us good news for everyone.

    2. Went with the kids to see some old friends of ours I haven’t seen since September. It was good, I’ve missed them. 

    3. Took a long nap. It wasn’t on purpose, but I needed it. J actually napped and I fell asleep during meditation and slept for 2 and a half hours. I’m hoping to go to bed early tonight too. 

    4. Showered. In the evening. Wet hair in subzero temperatures are no good so I’m on top of it!

    5. A wanted braids in her hair…just like mommy. She looks so pretty and it’s such a wonderful compliment that she wants to be like me. 

    Not every day of parenting is going to be easy…today wasn’t but there were definitely bright spots all over and today I choose to look at those.

    On inventory

    Fears are a big theme here…

    I’ve had two major anxiety episodes in the last week over things that were, well…nothing to get excited about. I think about the time I spent crying and thinking of all the worst case scenarios, and what was the result? God had it handled already. 

    I have a big imagination. Always have. Over the last few years, my family and friends have pointed out that I border on paranoia. In my childhood I wrote stories, in high school I wrote songs and poetry and the imagination was put to good use. Fears and selfishness led to my drinking, I got sober, did inventory and stopped writing. For a long time I didn’t put the imagination to good use. I didn’t have a creative output for a long time, and then my thoughts centered around the “what ifs”. 

    So dangerous.

    I’m working on another inventory which was themed around the divorce, boundaries, and an inability to say “no”. Talking to my sponsor about it, she tells me my inability to say no stems from fear. Huh. Never considered that I might not say no to something I don’t like or want because I’m afraid of the outcome. 

    Yesterday I started texting myself some of my most major fears at that time. It helped. I know I have far more to go, and I’m not close to being done but I’m working on it. Making progress. 

    1. Got up on time, meditated, ate and showered and was at work on time! Early even!

    2. Discussions with Lover about needs and making daily needs work in the day to day life. I’m really happy I can have open honest conversations about what we need as individuals. I feel like this is incredibly healthy and makes me feel good about where I am in life.

    3. Homemade chicken soup for lunch…

    4. Hopefully going to wrap gifts tonight! I’m pleased that my shopping is almost done and that with a small few exceptions I can be proud of what I can give to my family this year. 

    5. Knowing that the home I’ve made and life I wanted is finally here. It’s not perfect but it’s amazing and more than I expected. Life is so good today.

    Thankful

    It’s rare I’m feeling gratitude while standing in 7degree windchill while filling a tire that repeatedly goes low. But there I was this morning, freezing my fingers off while I filled my tire with air using a contraption that a very thoughtful Lover loaned to me a while ago so I didn’t need to keep paying money to use the air at a gas station.

    And all I felt was gratitude. That I could do this conveniently. Outside my apartment, when I needed to and I didn’t have to worry about having enough quarters or if the pump at the station worked.

    Of course, I still have another tire to do. But I know, when I go outside next, I’ll have the opportunity to do it, because someone was kind enough to make my life a little easier.

    1. Sugar cookies. Loads of them. Frosted by lovely children who were covered in colored icing and didn’t want to eat lunch but it’s okay, because how often do we make Christmas cookies?

    2. Ice skating. I had to opportunity to go to the Holidazzle festival today with my kids and sister and niece. We saw Santa, and A and niece E went ice skating for the first time. E had a hard time, but A did great. It was super fun…the first time I’ve been on the ice in 20 plus years. I want to go again!

    3. Two tired, snuggly little girls who want warm cuddles under blankets on the couch.

    4. Homemade pizza for dinner. Yum!

    5. Having my niece all weekend. She’s so sweet, and A loves playing with her so it’s almost like having less children. It’s weird how that works.

    I’m tired, and warmly snuggled with the kitty and girls watching Masha and the Bear. Things are good.

    That time of year

    When it gets colder, thanksgiving is just around the corner, and Caillou’s holiday movie is on. Yes, I said the c-word. Parents everywhere are crying in their coffee mugs, counting the minutes until their next glass of bourbon or their AA meeting. 

    And not even thanksgiving yet. 

    I haven’t truly looked forward to a thanksgiving meal in some time. I’ve wanted to host one for years, pretty much since I’ve been diet challenged. My ex MIL made an effort, and I always appreciated it but I’d always feel like I brought half my kitchen over. This year, I was informed I was obligated to attend my sister’s meal. Ok, fine. I live in a small apartment, not conducive to ten kids and 8 adults. It makes sense to not host it. But I asked for the menu, and I’ll get to eat turkey, cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, which I will have to bring my own margarine. That’s it. Probably no gravy, even. I got snark from another sister about how dairy free mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes. Lord in heaven. If I didn’t have my kids that day, it wouldn’t even be a question, I wouldn’t go.

    So I invited Lover over the night before, and will cook a wonderful dinner to my liking and needs. I’m pretty excited about that. Here is the positive in this whole thing, I get to host a small meal, for the two of us. We get leftovers. And then, I’ll go to my sister’s, and will enjoy the family time. No worries about eating. I don’t expect anyone to accommodate me, but it’s unbelievably hard to sit at a table and watch everyone eating food that looks and smells amazing while you can’t eat it.

    I know, thanksgiving is about gratitude, not the food. I am so grateful I have a family I can spend thanksgiving with. I love my sisters dearly. I have a wonderful life I only hoped for, but never thought I would actually have. I want to be the person who finds the way to make it happen, whatever “it” is. Who won’t bitch about a meal she can’t eat most of, because she’s with a family who wants her there.
    Anyway, I survived one round of Caillou. 2 days, 22 hours, 20 minutes and 46 seconds til my next meeting. 

    Day 102

    Homemade pizza. Dare I say, all things wonderful come to mind? Paired with Stranger Things 2, a warm cat, and snuggly Lover, and all is set for an amazing cold November evening.

    I use a recipe for crust coming from Bette Hageman’s cookbook, The Gluten Free Gourmet Bakes Bread. I have no permissions to post that recipe, but you can get it if you choose by buying her book. 

    I also make mine amazing by brushing the crust after par baking with olive oil infused with garlic, Italian seasoning and some salt. It gives it that extra crunch and sooo good. Tonight, since my dairy eating Lover is over, I made two crusts, one which will have fresh mozzarella and the other with Daiya mozzarella. Toppings include diced green pepper, onion, mushrooms, garlic, pepperoni. I’m so stoked. Almost as much as I am to watch Stranger Things. 

    First we par bake the dough

    Then we add the toppings

    Then we bake it

    Omg. So. Amazing. 

    1. Woke up in my favorite way. Slept in. Had an amazing breakfast of egg scramble with oatmeal that had cranberry sauce mixed in.

    2. A long hot shower. So lovely. Apartment living has it’s benefits. There is unending hot water. 

    3. Dance lessons. I am now learning ballroom dancing. Learned the foxtrot, the ballero (?), the hustle and a few steps on west coast swing. It was so fun! Practicing at home after as well. I’m really into it. Lover and I are working out more lessons.

    4. Dessert. Still working on finishing off that lovely dessert A and I made. 

    5. Snuggles and Stranger Things. Plus daylight savings made it seem to me like I got to stay up later. That’s a huge plus.

    Also, got a refresher on Sandy B. on one of the car rides. I forgot how good he is. I’m hoping I can listen to more of it soon. Those are available from the Gopher State tape library…and possibly from other AA sources but I know for sure Gopher State. It’s worth a listen. 

    Day 101

    November…cold…cloudy…cold…

    I like how November brings things I love. Like Thanksgiving. (Food) Christmas cookie baking after thanksgiving. (More food) Inevitable weight gain from all the food. (An extra layer of warmth from the food? A girl has to stay warm)

    Today I did some online grocery shopping, and started buying some of the essentials I will need when I start making cookies. I freaking looove making Christmas cookies. I make all of them to my dietary standards, then give them out to my similarly restricted friends. The feeling I get when I can give delicious cookies to people who would ordinarily not get to eat them because of the ingredients is phenomenal. This year, I made a new vegan friend, and it has me thinking…how much would it change things to remove eggs from the cookies? Or at least, some of them. My goal for the next week or two is to try out a new recipe or two that is eggless, in hopes I can bring holiday cheer to the vegan in my life.

    So, apparently A was thinking the same thoughts I was, and asked if we could bake tonight after I picked her up from daycare. Well, of course kid. So I ask her what she wants to make. Cookies? Brownies? Cake? She asks for chocolate and vanilla and cherries. Huh. Ok. So then we start brainstorming. Can we make brownie layers with cherries in the middle? No, she says. Vanilla layer, then chocolate then cherry. 

    At first I thought about vanilla cake on top of a brownie layer, but then I got to thinking…what if there is such a thing as vanilla brownies? Googled. They exist. Damn! I had NO idea. So I grabbed a recipe for them, and layered it up with a brownie recipe, slapped some cherry pie filling on top.

    Omg.

    I don’t even know what to call this. I don’t know if it’s been done before. Neapolitan brownies? Maybe?

    So effing good. A thought it needed whipped cream on top. I think she’s correct, but I don’t have any right now. If there are any left tomorrow I’m going to make that happen. No question. That’s my kid. I couldn’t be more proud.

    Vanilla layer:

    2/3 c rice flour

    1/4 tsp xanthan gum

    3/4 tsp baking powder 

    1/4 tsp salt

    1/4 c earth balance

    1/3 c white sugar

    1/3 c brown sugar

    1 tsp vanilla

    1 egg

    Mixed, spread in 13×9 pan, greased.

    Chocolate layer

    2oz bakers chocolate 

    1/4 c earth balance, melted with the chocolate in the microwave (because that’s how I roll)

    1 c white sugar

    1 egg plus 1 egg white

    1tsp vanilla

    1/2 c rice flour (I use Flying Horse brand. It’s so fine it’s like powdered sugar)

    1/4 tsp xanthan gum

    Dash salt.

    I layered this on top of the vanilla layer, baked at 350f for 30 minutes. I feel like it needed an extra 5 though, because it was a tad undertone in the middle, but as you wish. Cooled, then slapped the can of cherry pie filling on top. Next time I might whip the pie filling in with some coconut whipped cream. 

    Day 99

    Everything seems more brilliant lately. The music more powerful, the food tastes better. I’ve been so happy the last couple months but it’s magnified in the last couple days. Life is truly beautiful right now.

    The whole purpose of this blog was to continue seeking positivity even when I felt like there was none to be had. 5 things each day. It worked, and my life has grown so full. Not perfect, by any stretch. I can find things to bitch about so easy. But my focus has changed. 

    I’m still going to blog, and do 5 positives. It just won’t quite be so frequently. Unless life changes again and I need to again. God I hope not but who knows.

    1. Got out the door, showered, with both kids and was at work on time. I didn’t meditate but I ate breakfast. Trade offs, but being at work on time felt great.

    2. Potent pink sunrise this morning. Just this intense pink at the skyline for a minute before it disappeared behind a hill but it was amazing.

    3. Leftover gf, df, sf lasagna that my sister made me last night. She loves me. ❤

    4. Remembering the groceries in the work fridge before I left the parking lot in my car. The building would have been locked 5 minutes later and my dinner plans for tomorrow wouldn’t have happened! 

    5. A delicious dinner of salmon, eggplant parmesan (my youngest sister made it and I feasted…she made it to my restrictions with love) and fried potatoes. So good.