Gas

When you got it, no stopping it. Well, you could but I don’t recommend it.

As someone who has stomach issues that cause horrific gas, my thoughts today have wandered…what are the best places to pass it? And then…Where are the worst?

Best places:

  1. Outside. Especially if it’s windy, bonus for a noisy area where you can be loud and disgusting and no one hears you. Just make sure it’s going to stay noisy. And windy. Nothing worse than one of those hot lingering bombs and it won’t go away outside of all places. (Well kids, we just happen to be downwind of a farm. Yes, I know we’re in the city. Just trust me. It’s a farm. Not your mother.)
  2. Home. I make this second because it’s indoors, and there’s a possibility you can stink yourself and your loved ones out. They may not love you at this point. You may not love you if this happens.
  3. Indoor playgrounds. The possibility of offending other parents runs here, but if it’s a big enough area you can cropdust and blame it on some kid. Because you KNOW at least one kid is running with a full load.
  4. The Car. A moving vehicle with the windows down. Unless you’re in Minnesota anytime between October and April. Then I don’t recommend it.
  5. In line at the grocery store. If you can pull off the silent but deadly, you might encourage someone in front of you to leave. This also requires either an ability to act as though you’re not to blame and also offended by the smell or a complete lack of shame. Own it. 

Next we have the worst places.

  1. First date/first sleepover etc. You want to maybe keep this person around. Maybe you don’t. Let’s assume that you want to keep them around. Embarrassment in front of your boo or bae or whatever the fuck stupid thing people are saying now is not cool. We want to be our best, smell amazing and not be bloated foul creatures like we are at home alone. The point is to not be alone, so let’s break out the Bean-o.
  2. Edit: adding in dance floor. A friend shared an experience where a ten foot section was cleared by a toxic wave emanating from another friend. Although, this could be a good thing too if you’re looking for space from the creepers. Not so much if you’re in the meat market though.
  3. Work. No one wants to be trapped in a small area with an offensive odor. We all know who’s responsible for it, and unless you’re working outside or completely alone it’s just not a good idea. Maybe not even if you’re alone. Once I was working in a locked office all alone, let one go, and then someone knocked on the door. I was seen so I couldn’t pretend to not be there, had to let them in and had a very uncomfortable encounter where we were both trying to pretend there was no smell. The stories go on. I go on. 
  4. A wedding. Unless you are looking for an excuse to get out, then by all means. Light it up.
  5. A funeral. Unless you need comic relief.
  6. A restaurant. Just imagine it…you’re there, you’re hungry, and then this overwhelming stench wafts by from a nearby booth. Ugh. However if you can stand your own smell, maybe it’s fine. Less competition for the wait staff’s attention. This is a positivity blog, after all.

    Unprepared

    I constantly tell people what a disaster I am. “I can’t get out the door on time! I’ll never remember to bring snow pants for both kids every day! I’m a disaster! I burned the cookies. I’m a disaster. I spilled (insert liquid or edible here) all over myself. I’m a disaster!”

    Then, my friends tell me how awesome I am. Lover calls me Wonder Woman. And I think…why would they think that? I don’t have anything together. I forgot to scoop the litter box last night and put water in kittys dish. I realized the water was empty when kitty started drinking out of the toilet when I was getting ready for work. Filled his water dish, and promptly forgot again about the litter. There is folded laundry all over my living room that needs to be put away. 

    Do these things really make me a disaster though? When I tell people I am, or tell myself I am, does it then become a self fulfilling prophecy? If I’m late to work regularly because I’m “a disaster” am I excusing myself from the responsibility of being on time? 

    Not sure what the answer is, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t to continue saying negative things about myself, to myself and others.

    1. Medical testing done this morning shows nothing of concern. This is good! My “big fear” from my last post is not to be concerned.

    2. Delicious toast on fresh bread made with love by Lover as I was flying out the door this morning. Yum.

    3. My travels this afternoon take me by my favorite tamale joint…I am so excited!

    4. Dinner plans with an old friend. We used to use together, a lot. I ran into her after 14 plus years at an AA event, where I found she was also sober now, and I’m really excited to reconnect with her in sobriety. Its so amazing when that happens.

    5. Finished writing inventory that I’ve put off for months. It feels good to be done with it, although I’ll feel better after I 5th step it. I’m not sure I’ll be able to meet with my sponsor anytime soon but I have a backup in place should it come down to it.

    Here are some of the delicious cookies my girlfriends and I made the other night. Feast your eyes, because the cookies have all been eaten already.

    That time of year

    When it gets colder, thanksgiving is just around the corner, and Caillou’s holiday movie is on. Yes, I said the c-word. Parents everywhere are crying in their coffee mugs, counting the minutes until their next glass of bourbon or their AA meeting. 

    And not even thanksgiving yet. 

    I haven’t truly looked forward to a thanksgiving meal in some time. I’ve wanted to host one for years, pretty much since I’ve been diet challenged. My ex MIL made an effort, and I always appreciated it but I’d always feel like I brought half my kitchen over. This year, I was informed I was obligated to attend my sister’s meal. Ok, fine. I live in a small apartment, not conducive to ten kids and 8 adults. It makes sense to not host it. But I asked for the menu, and I’ll get to eat turkey, cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, which I will have to bring my own margarine. That’s it. Probably no gravy, even. I got snark from another sister about how dairy free mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes. Lord in heaven. If I didn’t have my kids that day, it wouldn’t even be a question, I wouldn’t go.

    So I invited Lover over the night before, and will cook a wonderful dinner to my liking and needs. I’m pretty excited about that. Here is the positive in this whole thing, I get to host a small meal, for the two of us. We get leftovers. And then, I’ll go to my sister’s, and will enjoy the family time. No worries about eating. I don’t expect anyone to accommodate me, but it’s unbelievably hard to sit at a table and watch everyone eating food that looks and smells amazing while you can’t eat it.

    I know, thanksgiving is about gratitude, not the food. I am so grateful I have a family I can spend thanksgiving with. I love my sisters dearly. I have a wonderful life I only hoped for, but never thought I would actually have. I want to be the person who finds the way to make it happen, whatever “it” is. Who won’t bitch about a meal she can’t eat most of, because she’s with a family who wants her there.
    Anyway, I survived one round of Caillou. 2 days, 22 hours, 20 minutes and 46 seconds til my next meeting. 

    Day 102

    Homemade pizza. Dare I say, all things wonderful come to mind? Paired with Stranger Things 2, a warm cat, and snuggly Lover, and all is set for an amazing cold November evening.

    I use a recipe for crust coming from Bette Hageman’s cookbook, The Gluten Free Gourmet Bakes Bread. I have no permissions to post that recipe, but you can get it if you choose by buying her book. 

    I also make mine amazing by brushing the crust after par baking with olive oil infused with garlic, Italian seasoning and some salt. It gives it that extra crunch and sooo good. Tonight, since my dairy eating Lover is over, I made two crusts, one which will have fresh mozzarella and the other with Daiya mozzarella. Toppings include diced green pepper, onion, mushrooms, garlic, pepperoni. I’m so stoked. Almost as much as I am to watch Stranger Things. 

    First we par bake the dough

    Then we add the toppings

    Then we bake it

    Omg. So. Amazing. 

    1. Woke up in my favorite way. Slept in. Had an amazing breakfast of egg scramble with oatmeal that had cranberry sauce mixed in.

    2. A long hot shower. So lovely. Apartment living has it’s benefits. There is unending hot water. 

    3. Dance lessons. I am now learning ballroom dancing. Learned the foxtrot, the ballero (?), the hustle and a few steps on west coast swing. It was so fun! Practicing at home after as well. I’m really into it. Lover and I are working out more lessons.

    4. Dessert. Still working on finishing off that lovely dessert A and I made. 

    5. Snuggles and Stranger Things. Plus daylight savings made it seem to me like I got to stay up later. That’s a huge plus.

    Also, got a refresher on Sandy B. on one of the car rides. I forgot how good he is. I’m hoping I can listen to more of it soon. Those are available from the Gopher State tape library…and possibly from other AA sources but I know for sure Gopher State. It’s worth a listen. 

    Day 101

    November…cold…cloudy…cold…

    I like how November brings things I love. Like Thanksgiving. (Food) Christmas cookie baking after thanksgiving. (More food) Inevitable weight gain from all the food. (An extra layer of warmth from the food? A girl has to stay warm)

    Today I did some online grocery shopping, and started buying some of the essentials I will need when I start making cookies. I freaking looove making Christmas cookies. I make all of them to my dietary standards, then give them out to my similarly restricted friends. The feeling I get when I can give delicious cookies to people who would ordinarily not get to eat them because of the ingredients is phenomenal. This year, I made a new vegan friend, and it has me thinking…how much would it change things to remove eggs from the cookies? Or at least, some of them. My goal for the next week or two is to try out a new recipe or two that is eggless, in hopes I can bring holiday cheer to the vegan in my life.

    So, apparently A was thinking the same thoughts I was, and asked if we could bake tonight after I picked her up from daycare. Well, of course kid. So I ask her what she wants to make. Cookies? Brownies? Cake? She asks for chocolate and vanilla and cherries. Huh. Ok. So then we start brainstorming. Can we make brownie layers with cherries in the middle? No, she says. Vanilla layer, then chocolate then cherry. 

    At first I thought about vanilla cake on top of a brownie layer, but then I got to thinking…what if there is such a thing as vanilla brownies? Googled. They exist. Damn! I had NO idea. So I grabbed a recipe for them, and layered it up with a brownie recipe, slapped some cherry pie filling on top.

    Omg.

    I don’t even know what to call this. I don’t know if it’s been done before. Neapolitan brownies? Maybe?

    So effing good. A thought it needed whipped cream on top. I think she’s correct, but I don’t have any right now. If there are any left tomorrow I’m going to make that happen. No question. That’s my kid. I couldn’t be more proud.

    Vanilla layer:

    2/3 c rice flour

    1/4 tsp xanthan gum

    3/4 tsp baking powder 

    1/4 tsp salt

    1/4 c earth balance

    1/3 c white sugar

    1/3 c brown sugar

    1 tsp vanilla

    1 egg

    Mixed, spread in 13×9 pan, greased.

    Chocolate layer

    2oz bakers chocolate 

    1/4 c earth balance, melted with the chocolate in the microwave (because that’s how I roll)

    1 c white sugar

    1 egg plus 1 egg white

    1tsp vanilla

    1/2 c rice flour (I use Flying Horse brand. It’s so fine it’s like powdered sugar)

    1/4 tsp xanthan gum

    Dash salt.

    I layered this on top of the vanilla layer, baked at 350f for 30 minutes. I feel like it needed an extra 5 though, because it was a tad undertone in the middle, but as you wish. Cooled, then slapped the can of cherry pie filling on top. Next time I might whip the pie filling in with some coconut whipped cream. 

    Day 87

    Ok. Somebody needs to cut me off.

    Apple cinnamon donuts 

    You’re going to have to roll me to my car so I can go to work tomorrow.

    I based the recipe on the pumpkin maple glazed donut recipe from Oh She Glows, but made some changes, like making it gluten free. And making with Apple instead of pumpkin. 

    1/2 tsp vinegar, 6 tbsp almond milk, 1/2 cup plus 3 tbsp unsweetened applesauce, 1/4 cup sugar, 2 tbsp brown sugar, 2 tbsp earth balance, 2 tsp baking powder, 1/4 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp ginger, 1/4 tsp nutmeg, 1/2 tsp salt, 1 cup white rice flour, 1/2 cup oat flour.

    Baked at 350 for 12 minutes

    If I had half a brain I would have put a 1/4 tsp xanthan gum in, but I didn’t so they’re crumbly but so so delicious. Dipped in melted earth balance and cinnamon sugar.

    So good.

    1. Eggs fried in bacon grease on “girlfriend bread”, aka gluten free. Delicious.

    2. Taco Tuesday! 

    3. A’s dance night! She’s so effing cute in her leotard and tights. 

    4. Fucking donuts. I need a bakers anonymous meeting. Still positive though. The reactions from Hannah and A were worth it 100 percent.

    5. Hannah came over and hung out. She watched Barbie movies with A while I did dishes, then we looked through photo albums from when we were in high school and younger. I must say, we were awesome even when we were awkward. But thank sweet baby Jesus we don’t look like that anymore!

    Edit: listening to Sugarray Rayford, The World that We Live In. Dirty bluesy goodness. I recommend.

    Day 81

    I mentioned a few days ago that I *might* have a baking problem.

    The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

    I totally have a baking problem.

    Yesterday I made candy bars. I didn’t actually bake them though, so does it count? Today…baked some millet bread. And made soup. Delicious ham and lentil soup. Previous attempts at millet bread led to dry loaves. Edible, but dry. Today’s attempt was slightly better. 

    God, this soup is good.


    1. The cat isn’t dead. I was concerened he might be seriously injured when he acted like a drunk kitty and we had an emergency vet run. But he seems fine now. No idea why he had the issue, but he’s ok and that’s what matters.

    2. Lunch with my stylist friend Chelsie. We had tacos. Double win.

    3. Got rid of all the empty boxes sitting in the living room. 

    4. Homemade soup and fresh bread for dinner. Perfection.

    5. Working out costumes for Halloween and a theme party coming up. I love costumes, and I want to go all out. I’m so excited!

    Day 76

    I *may* have a baking problem.

    Yesterday I baked bread. And a triple berry crisp.

    Today, I did this:
    Apple pecan pie.

    It’s under cooked.

    I had exactly 1 hour before I had to leave before it came out. But, it’s all good. I consulted with my baker friend who told me there are no rules against par baking, so in theory, it should be fine. It’s in round two in the oven right now so we will see. God it smells so good.

    1. Yoga, meditation, and breakfast. I only vaguely recall the first two, as I may have still been asleep. But it happened! It was an amazing start to my day.

    2. Plan of action regarding my stomach. Blood work, food diary (which I was supposed to do before and didnt), and meds to treat my attacks. Wait and see, I guess.

    3. Chickens. My sister’s bought some, and I went to see them on my lunch break. Super cute.


    4. Kickball. I got on base 3 out of 4 times which is good. I also umped a themed game, hippies versus hipsters. It was entertaining.

    5. Piano practice is going better. I’m learning to play chords with my left while the melody on my right. It’s difficult, but it’s getting better and I’m rather proud of myself. I just have to keep practicing!

    Also, fog over the fields was beautiful.

    Day 55

    So far it’s been a chill, but exhausting day. I got to sleep in (which was wonderful), ate a healthy breakfast and went to sober fit club, which is a local meet up of sober alcoholics that play games like pickup kickball and volleyball in the park every week. I played a few games, got lost in the rain trying to get home (why aren’t the damn freeways marked?), and picked up ingredients to make a cake.

    Yes, I’ve got the urge to bake again.

    After thinking really hard about what I wanted to make, I decided on a cherry limeade cake, gluten, dairy and soy free of course. I had to pull several recipes from my friend the internet and adapt to my needs, but I think it turned out well.

    Cake recipe, adapted from King Arthur Flour’s website 

    • 2 cups sugar 
    • 3 1/4 cups rice flour
    • 1 tsp xanthan gum
    • 1 tsp salt
    • 2 1/2 tsp baking powder 
    • 3/4 cup canola oil
    • 1 tbsp vanilla
    • 1 1/2 cups almond milk
    • 4 eggs

    Mixed the dry ingredients, then the wet, one egg at a time. Baked 350 for 40 minutes in a 13×9 pan, greased liberally with coconut shortening. 

    Then:

    • One package cherry jello
    • One cup boiling water

    Dissolved the jello in the water, til clear then poked holes with a butter knife into the cooled cake and poured it into the holes. Yum.

    Then! Frosting…

    • Juice and zest of a lime, small
    • Powdered sugar
    • Earth balance soy free margarine

    I don’t measure my frosting ingredients. It’s a terrible habit…it never turns put the same way twice but yet I do it every time. I just mix it until it’s the right texture and taste that I want.

    So moist and tender, I should have poured all the cherry jello stuff on top. I only did half because it seemed like a lot but it would have been better with all of it.