Today is good

Writers block. I have started and not finished two other posts since thanksgiving that no longer seem relevant so I’m leaving them be and just wanted to share good today.

Last night I went to a tincture making class, and really enjoyed it. I went with two of my girlfriends and learned….alcohol isn’t necessary to make one. Which is great news for your favorite recovering alcoholic. (No ego on this girl) I’m pretty excited about tinctures and herbal remedies, and feel much better today after yesterday’s cold having sampled some of the cold care remedies in class. Also, got a great line on where to purchase herbs locally.

1. Easy morning with the girls getting out the door. Happiness in the little things!

2. Graveyard Club. Their music is awesome. 

3. Pho. Mmmm

4. Warm December days. La Niña is my friend this year.

5. Plans of some sort for the evening. Not sure yet what those are but I know it’ll be awesome.

Home

It’s cold out. I’ve had a pretty chill day, but haven’t been very busy which meant I had time to get inside my own head.

So dangerous.

I took on a new sponsee, who was supposed to come to a meeting this morning with me, and didn’t show when I arrived. So instead of going to the meeting anyway, which is what I should have done, I went home. I’m not feeling great physically, and had things to do but ended up hanging out and thinking about what I wasn’t doing. 

Never a good idea.

However, my sponsee called, and arranged for a later meet up. Which is how I ended up at the Alano club where my home group is, going to a meeting. 
I’ve called a lot of places home before. I’ve lived in many places (although they were all in the twin cities) but I feel like the term home has a different meaning to me now. When I go to my alano club, I feel like I’m home, in a way I haven’t felt like since I was a kid growing up. I don’t feel like that when I go to my residence, or my mom’s house, or even to the place I grew up. I get that feeling when I’m with my kids, or my lover, or with my best friend, but most intensely when I’m going through the doors of that alano club to be with other sober alcoholics.

I think it comes down to home being where you know you are loved unconditionally by people who know who you truly are and love you anyway.

1. Slept in, and made myself eggs on toast. Mmmm…

2. Bought new glasses. They’re on order. I’m scared shitless of the price…I never spend that kind of money on something and I’m debating taking them back. But… I look so good. Hmmm…

3. Made daiya mozzarella garlic toast for lunch and ate it with spaghetti sauce. 

4. Meeting and working with my new sponsee. If you havent done it, it’s amazing. Like nothing else in the world. 

5. Adulting is done for the day. Laundry folded and put away. Dishes done. Apartment (relatively) clean. Its beautiful.

That time of year

When it gets colder, thanksgiving is just around the corner, and Caillou’s holiday movie is on. Yes, I said the c-word. Parents everywhere are crying in their coffee mugs, counting the minutes until their next glass of bourbon or their AA meeting. 

And not even thanksgiving yet. 

I haven’t truly looked forward to a thanksgiving meal in some time. I’ve wanted to host one for years, pretty much since I’ve been diet challenged. My ex MIL made an effort, and I always appreciated it but I’d always feel like I brought half my kitchen over. This year, I was informed I was obligated to attend my sister’s meal. Ok, fine. I live in a small apartment, not conducive to ten kids and 8 adults. It makes sense to not host it. But I asked for the menu, and I’ll get to eat turkey, cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, which I will have to bring my own margarine. That’s it. Probably no gravy, even. I got snark from another sister about how dairy free mashed potatoes aren’t real mashed potatoes. Lord in heaven. If I didn’t have my kids that day, it wouldn’t even be a question, I wouldn’t go.

So I invited Lover over the night before, and will cook a wonderful dinner to my liking and needs. I’m pretty excited about that. Here is the positive in this whole thing, I get to host a small meal, for the two of us. We get leftovers. And then, I’ll go to my sister’s, and will enjoy the family time. No worries about eating. I don’t expect anyone to accommodate me, but it’s unbelievably hard to sit at a table and watch everyone eating food that looks and smells amazing while you can’t eat it.

I know, thanksgiving is about gratitude, not the food. I am so grateful I have a family I can spend thanksgiving with. I love my sisters dearly. I have a wonderful life I only hoped for, but never thought I would actually have. I want to be the person who finds the way to make it happen, whatever “it” is. Who won’t bitch about a meal she can’t eat most of, because she’s with a family who wants her there.
Anyway, I survived one round of Caillou. 2 days, 22 hours, 20 minutes and 46 seconds til my next meeting. 

My song of the day and other things

Its a music day. I have these days from time to time where I find really awesome songs, download them, listen to the shit out of them, then wonder why I’m not hearing anything new. It seems to only happen at random too…I can’t just go out and look for it. It has to find me. 

My downloaded song today is called Unbuild It, by The 2 Bears. I heard it on the local underground college radio Lover got me hooked on, and it is so good. I was a little surprised because it has kind of a pop sound to it and this station doesn’t generally seem to play pop sounding songs (but, I’ve been listening to it for only a few days…so…). In any case, love it.

Also, Line of Fire by Junip. I had the treat of hearing some of their other songs, and I kind of love their sound. Slow and dreamy. 

To kick it up a notch, Sports, by Fufanu. I could see myself working out to this. If I worked out, that is. Nice even tempo. Definitely getting added to the hula hooping playlist.

Lover and I took another dance class last night, Tango and Hustle. The Tango was hard, I do not have the steps down for that, but the Hustle….ooooo. I like that one. I have that one down pretty good I think and it’s SO FUN getting spun around. I’m hoping we’ll get to do more with that. Or even just adding on our own stuff to it. Since we started dancing, half the songs I hear now I’m thinking about dance steps to. I think that’s a good thing. 

Lots of good things going on. I’m pretty appreciative of them all.

Day 100

So many things. 

Today has been productive. My poor kitty can’t seem to get rid of his fleas so we got the vet treatment this morning, as well as forking it over for pest control. I’m done. DONE with fleas. So, after dropping my kids off, I spent the whole morning getting everything off the floors, vacuumed until the vacuum broke (insert poop emoji) swept, mopped, and gathered all bedding and clothes into the car. Kitty and I go off to the laundromat. 

30 dollars and 6 loads of laundry later, now we are parked in front of the building, waiting another 30 minutes before we are allowed back in. Kitty is very unhappy, and it’s fucking cold so we are stuck in the car. But! I have all sorts of clean laundry.

1. My lover is bringing a vacuum over later so I can finish the vacuuming. Then, grilled food and Stranger Things 2. Oh God I can’t wait.

2. I finally got curtains. This is very overdue, I’m pretty excited about putting them up. They’re supposed to be coral in color, and I’m hoping they won’t look excessively pink. 

3. Getting 6 loads of laundry done in 2 hours. I’m impressed. Not impressed by the cost, but happy with the time savings.

4. A flea free apartment. I can’t emphasize this enough.

5. Not having to go anywhere after I get back in to the nice warm apartment. This is a huge plus, with it being 30 degrees and windy, cloudy, and fuck Minnesota weather.

In spite of being very cold, kind of rainy, snowing here and there kind of day, I’m content with how it’s turned out so far. 

Here is a random picture of me with my new chicken, Dinner. She should lay me lots of eggs before fulfilling her name.

Day 99

Everything seems more brilliant lately. The music more powerful, the food tastes better. I’ve been so happy the last couple months but it’s magnified in the last couple days. Life is truly beautiful right now.

The whole purpose of this blog was to continue seeking positivity even when I felt like there was none to be had. 5 things each day. It worked, and my life has grown so full. Not perfect, by any stretch. I can find things to bitch about so easy. But my focus has changed. 

I’m still going to blog, and do 5 positives. It just won’t quite be so frequently. Unless life changes again and I need to again. God I hope not but who knows.

1. Got out the door, showered, with both kids and was at work on time. I didn’t meditate but I ate breakfast. Trade offs, but being at work on time felt great.

2. Potent pink sunrise this morning. Just this intense pink at the skyline for a minute before it disappeared behind a hill but it was amazing.

3. Leftover gf, df, sf lasagna that my sister made me last night. She loves me. ❤

4. Remembering the groceries in the work fridge before I left the parking lot in my car. The building would have been locked 5 minutes later and my dinner plans for tomorrow wouldn’t have happened! 

5. A delicious dinner of salmon, eggplant parmesan (my youngest sister made it and I feasted…she made it to my restrictions with love) and fried potatoes. So good.

Day 98

It’s been a long time since I packed so much into a single day. I’ve been up since 6, and went non-stop up until an hour ago. Now I have another hour and a half of free time before kickball and I don’t know what to do with myself.

So, I write. 🙂

1. A smooth morning getting out the door. I was even able to do the dishes!

2. Caribou was out of almond milk. I was devastated. I really wanted a latte but it was ok..i would settle for a house blend and an apple juice for A. Then…it was free. The staff felt bad that I wasn’t getting what I wanted and wouldn’t take my money. So a free coffee! And it was delicious.

3. A successful run at the courthouse getting all my papers.

4. Lunch at my favorite stand in the St. Paul skyways. It’s been 6 or 7 years since I’d been there and their tamales are to die for. So. Good.

5. Sneaked in a meeting at a treatment center in between the madness of government bureaucracy that I spent my day doing. It felt great.

The meeting was on the Promises. Which is apt, as my life is a testament to it. I dont regret my past. The happiness and freedom I’m experiencing now are a result of working the steps. I have the life now that I always wanted. Albeit it looks different than I thought it would but it’s beautiful, and mine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Day 98

This has been honestly the best weekend with my children that I can remember. Only two small incidents, one on each day. I’m still holding my breath but the day is almost over.

1. The apartment never got too out of control today. Any parent knows the mess level gets out of hand easily. I acquired more toys and books yesterday than I would have liked, and they got all over the place but I got the kids to pick them up. The kids are in bed, and it’s not completely trashed. So awesome. 

2. Got to see my friend and went for a walk. I made her a vegan cake for her birthday and I might have been more excited than she was. But we walked, got coffee, and it was good to see her. It’s been like a month and feels like a year.

3. Reading my new book, Area X by Jeff Vandermeer. It’s creepy and addictive. I like it so far. 

4. Spaghetti with homemade French rolls. Omg. I haven’t made spaghetti in awhile and forgot how good it was. I’m hungry again just thinking about it. The girls tore it up too.

5. Quiet. At this moment right now, the only sounds are the clock ticking and my stomach growling (why did I bring up the spaghetti?). It’s peaceful and perfect. 

Day 97

Tonight has been epic. Let me just describe how this has gone. 

Started out by leaving work early to pick up A for a doctor appointment. I left 20 minutes before school lets out, and it’s a ten minute drive.

I get there, and I’m late. Early by my thoughts but apparently school let out ten minutes earlier than I thought it did and my poor A was sad and confused, standing in the wrong area of pickup which would have put her on a bus to some daycare. Crisis averted though! Mommy found her in time. So off to our appointment, 20 minutes away.

We’re having a great time by my standards. Listening to the Amazon playlist she picked out, she’s telling me about school, life is good. Get to the clinic 15 minutes early, things are moving the right direction! Except…we went to the wrong clinic. There’s another clinic in the same city where the appointment is. Ok. Had I checked the calendar appointment on my phone I would have known this…but…we are early so just enough time to hop in the car and off we go.

Get to the clinic. Check in, not a minute to spare. However…now A has to use the bathroom IMMEDIATELY like a 5 year old does and they need a urine sample. The receptionist lets me back and we get it done. We see the doctor, and oops. The sample is no good. Back to the bathroom 3 dixie cups and a water drinking contest later and she doesn’t have to go. Ok. We’re going to take sample cups to go and no big deal. Off to pick up J.

Pick up J. Haven’t gotten far, when A has to go AND MOM IT CAN’T WAIT so gas station bathroom. With a toddler in tow. Get the sample, so ok, now we’ll just drop it off on the way home, nbd. 

Get back to the first clinic we stopped at, and I grab the bag with the cup just in time for it to leak all over my lap. The lid wasn’t all the way on. Thank God it didn’t drip on the seats. So I’m wiping myself off as best I can with the alcohol towlettes left over when A has to go again. Awesome! Perfect timing. Back into the clinic we go. But it’s urgent. And the receptionist is busy. A is threatening an accident, so I flag a nurse. It’s apparent she doesn’t understand the full story but 5 year old and accident in the same sentence usually gets you access to bathrooms anywhere and this is no exception. 

Provide our third sample of the day. Now labs want to figure out who we are and if there is indeed an order for this sample. Provide information. We wait. By that I mean, I wait while trying to keep screaming running children from jumping on and off the waiting room couches and running into the xray room. And out of the lab. And out of the bathroom. And from fighting each other. And from taking the coat rack and using it as a spear. While I’m covered in pee. Lab comes back, need me to rewrite the information. More waiting. More running shrieking children. Lab comes back, we’re good! Time to finally go home.

This all took place in three hours. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, why is this on the positivity blog? This doesn’t seem positive. Well, normal me would have lost my temper at least once in all this. Stress, children not listening, PEE ON MY PANTS. But, I didn’t. Not once. We got home, and everything was fine. The kids ate, I did laundry, bathed the kids. And it’s been a great night. Im exhausted, and hungry and have the sniffles but I’m happy we got it all done and no one died or even got yelled at. I’m even wearing clean pants!

1. Got to wake up and meditate, eat breakfast and watch the news. Plus, early to work!

2. Cake. Lovely, lovely cake at work.

3. My dad met me for lunch. I haven’t always had the best relationship with my dad and it makes me appreciate how close we are so much more now. I’m so happy and blessed to have him around.

4. Got enough quarters to do all the laundry. This is serious business. I feel like there’s never enough and I always have like 2 one dollar bills and one quarter short but I got it all done.

5. Some bone broth and herbal tea to cap off the night. 

Life is good today. Not easy, but good.

Day 67

Ever notice that people in general, have a whole lot of opinions on what you should or shouldn’t do? 

I had a conversation with my sister today that really brought this to my attention today. And she has the right to her opinions I guess. It really comes down to me, that what’s right for one person, or another depends on that person and the situation they’re in. I try to understand what the situation is with each person and not tell people what to do but I can be just as guilty when it comes to telling people what I think is best for them. This is something I’m working on. Offering suggestions when people look for advice and not get bent when they don’t take it. Because maybe it’s bad advice, maybe I don’t know the situation fully, or the other people involved. 

It hurt to hear the things she said, but she also tried to talk me into staying in my marriage before I left it so I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I don’t include her in all the things that go on in my life so it’s natural she would maybe make assumptions about that and other things because she doesn’t know the full story. 

I’m taking this as a lesson to watch my own behavior going forward. It wouldn’t bother me that she doesn’t know the full story if I didn’t make assumptions of my own about other people from time to time. Or try to tell people what to do, because it doesn’t work anyway. I’ve never done what I was told unless I was broken to the point where I was willing to do anything to not feel the way I did. I can’t expect anyone to do what I say or suggest either.

Right now I feel like I’m going with the flow of life, not struggling against it for the first time. I’m letting things happen as they will, not projecting how I think they should be or forcing things to go where I think they should go. It feels good, and I’m peaceful about it. 

1. The Dead South, In Hell I’ll be in Good Company. I discovered this today, and it’s my song of the day. I can’t understand most of the lyrics so it could be Satan worshipping for all I know. It’s catchy and I like the outfits.

Edit: I listened to the lyrics. Well, what I could understand, anyway. Great Caesars ghost. I can’t tell if he’s killing his wife or she’s killing him. Um….yeah. So…new song. We are going with  The Speakeasy Three, When I get low I get High

2. Work potluck. I can’t eat most of the food and this is good because I think I’d eat it all and regret my life choices. 

3. Keys for my new apartment! Moving this weekend. I’m scared shitless but I know this is going to work out. I’m glad I got the keys today, because now it’s confirmed I have no dishwasher (must get used to hand washes again), mailbox won’t latch and my appliances don’t work. Maintenance will be busy hahaha.

4. Meeting night. I love seeing my AA family. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

5. Music in the car. I can sing as loud as I want to. ❤