Some serious shits gone down since last we spoke.
Lover and I made the move happen…we are now in a new apartment. At the time, that caused me an unbelievable amount of stress. I was also feeling alot of old emotional pain…old. Maybe childhood, I dont know.
Then we went to Oregon. It was amazing. So beautiful, and relaxing. We had a great time.
We came back, and I had a hard time of it for a while. I was way out of balance, feeling overwhelmed, in emotional pain, and suddenly I didnt know how to take care of myself. How to unwind or relax.
I ended up creating a schedule for myself that met my needs and things are better.
I feel a bit guilty for not writing during this time. Doing daily positivity would have helped me immensely and I didnt do it until a friend started a daily gratitude text group and included me.
Then I felt way better.
And I remembered this space…my positively positive space to be in pain and still find all the positives in my life.
Its beautiful, and I’m still here.
1. Morning meditation…
2. Hot shower
3. Sweet sweet coffee
4. Waking up with Lover in the morning
5. Seeing my girls this evening.
Bonus round….Lover has a muscle injury, and has to ice his groin. Instead of getting upset about him having a cold lap, I reminded him the cold is good for his “production zone”. Positivity all around!
I have been swallowed by life it seems. The past month has been a blur of my new job plus making the most of my time with children and Lover, but I havent made much time for friends or music.
This disappoints me.
I gave up kickball this season too. It just felt like another demand on my time that I just didnt have right now.
All this frightens me.
It’s so easy for me to make exceptions for the rules of my meetings and friends. And then the exceptions become the rules and I’m out of balance and spiritually sick.
The only answer, is to show up again. But since I missed my Monday meeting this week, I’ll maybe get a Wednesday meeting in and make sure I get there this coming Monday. I’m going to meet my sponsee. Call my friends to say hi. And pray for the knowledge of Gods will and the power to carry it out. But not in that order.
1. I got up this morning and showered. This was good for everyone.
2. I found paperwork relating to a job-thing I’ve been trying to figure out and it was super helpful.
3. Free tacos for lunch! Lover packed me a delicious lunch but right as I was about to go a coworker grabbed me for a potluck I didnt know about and I got to have taco bar instead. I’m looking forward to the lentils tomorrow though! He made me soup from scratch last night and while he doesn’t think so, it is freaking delicious.
4. Having a lovely night with the girls. They were pretty well behaved, and I got to play a couple games of checkers with A. She stalemated me for one of the games! I’m impressed.
5. Going to bed early. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open anymore.
Also, here is a picture of me eating the toast Lover made for me when I was running late to work the other day. He’s the absolute best.
I’m kinda in a funk though. Woke up so happy to be alive and then reality bitch slapped my face that I was late for work to a job I’m resentful towards, as well as making the ex late for work because I was late dropping J off with him. My time management in the mornings is awful.
My workday has kinda sucked. My supervisor called me out for looking angry in a meeting. I let her know some of my reasons for being unhappy, but while she’s finally ready to hear all the things I’ve been telling her for years I’m just kinda done. I don’t like my attitude, I’d rather be Polly Positive and believe her when she tells me things are going to change, but it’s just not there.
This resentment is kicking my ass. I did an inventory on this but havent done a 5th step yet, so I’m stewing in this and I don’t like it. I also realized how much fear is packed into this today, and it was like a key clicked in the lock and unlocked the truth.
The truth that all my resentment in this job is based in fear. Fear I won’t get what I want (such as my way of doing things. Not my bosses way-my way). I need to get it out before I do something dumb, like quit my job, carry the resentment into other relationships, or, if it goes too far, drinking over it. I plan to call someone tomorrow, I cant live like this.
It’s a funny thing, my supervisor finally appears to be moving in the directions I’ve been recommending for 3 years, and I’m so resentful I can’t enjoy it. Typical alcoholic right here.
Soon I’ll get to see Lover and go share in the joy of the Grooms dinner we are attending for his friend.
I love weddings.
I see how happy the bride and groom are, and its contagious. I get all teary sometimes too. Love is so beautiful.
- Waking up in Lovers arms
- Dress weather…its finally been warm enough, and I’ve worn a dress every day this week.
- Spending lunch outside in the sun reading a book
- Found the eyeliner I lost 2 weeks ago!
- Its Friday, and loooove is in the air
Lately we’ve been listening to a meditation entitled “abundance”. I don’t recall much about it, as it plays while we’re falling asleep but I have it on the brain today.
So full. My life is abundant.
Yesterday I studied math in the sunshine, went for a run, studied in the sun while Lover grilled a delicious dinner, went to a meeting. It was so great.
Even more so because I normally don’t run unless, kickball. (Holy SHIT do I hurt today)
On the way to the meeting last night, we stumbled onto a radio interview with a former baseball player who now does some sort of counseling/life coaching. He was talking about appreciation. It was really interesting, he said something to the effect of “no one ever comes up to me after a talk and says, ‘I’m so over appreciated’.” He said theres a chemical reaction in the brain that happens when we give verbal appreciation to another person, and also that marriages without mutual appreciation fail.
It made me think about my relationship with Lover. Something we talk about is recognizing and speaking our gratitude and appreciation for each other. How good it feels to hear it. And how it is heartfelt when its said. (So many warm fuzzies right now)
I was also thinking of this today when emailing a colleague to ask her to stop copying myself and others on her approval emails. I threw in a paragraph about how much I appreciate her prompt approvals for her orders, and it makes my job easier that she does it. She responded that I made her day. Something so simple as telling her the truth about how I appreciate her work made her day. Which in turn, made mine.
- Grapes. Omg…my boss brought in these juicy red grapes and they are so good!
- A fantastic GI doctor. We made a plan for treating my stomach stuff that is homeopathic and unique to me. I’m excited, and feel really good about it. Plus. She’s just cool and I enjoy talking to her.
- Sexistential Crisis, by Battle Toys. I got a prerelease of their new music and have been enjoying it all morning. I think that song is my favorite so far.
- Seeing my girls tonight after a long weekend without them. I miss my girls.
- An amazing breakfast from Lover, cooked for me, and eaten while discussing Nothing Compares 2 U. My breakfasts with him make me so happy, and it’s so hard to leave for work. The best part of my day so far.
Now, please enjoy this artwork my two year old did on my phone. I think its great.
One of the things I remember most about the movie Lilo and Stitch is them talking about ohana…which means family. I found myself tonight at an AA meeting on the big island of Hawai’i by this name. (Yes, there is a good reason I haven’t posted much haha). Lover and I met some wonderful people at another meeting here, and they told us about the Ohana meeting. It’s an “eating meeting”, we’re told. “Come eat some Hawaiian food.” Sold. We came to the island on a private retreat, to a wellness center. There’s only one place to smoke in the area, everything else is off limits. Me, being the dirty dirty smoker goes off to find that area on the first day…only to find that the majority of those there are smoking the devil’s lettuce. Ok fine. I hang to the outer area, not really talking to anyone. Then I go back several hours later. More people are there this time, and it’s not tobacco in the pipe. They’re much friendlier, and tried to pass to me. Lover showed up right after this, and they tried to pass to him as well. There’s a part in the Big Book where it talks about only being around alcohol if you have a good reason to be there. Lover tells me he doesn’t- he doesn’t smoke so he will no longer join me at the tent. My wheels start turning. Do I have a good reason to be there? Is my nasty cigarette addiction reason enough for me to put my sobriety in jeopardy every time I need a smoke? I brought a long a bunch of nicotine patches for the plane rides, I have enough for the duration of the trip. So I did it. Three days without a single cigarette, and it’s fucking hard. Yes, I’m on the patch. Yes it’s worth it to not be around all the Mary Jane. However I feel like I’ve been in an anxiety attack for the last 24 hours. And that, brings me to the meeting. The anxiety has been building over the last day…it started surfacing about an hour or two before the meeting. We get there, grab some coffee, and sit. I sip my coffee, looking longingly towards the door where I know other sober folk are out smoking. They’d give me a smoke. Then relief hits. Something relaxed inside. I’m home. I’m with my people. AA is where I can walk into the room of strangers and everyone knows me and I know them. It didn’t really hit me until after I left tonight that the meeting name, Ohana means family. Those are my family. I’m still a basket case, I cried some on the drive back to the resort. I might smoke tomorrow. I make no promises. But today, tonight I’m sober and tobacco free. And my family was there giving me hugs and telling me they understood.
When you got it, no stopping it. Well, you could but I don’t recommend it.
As someone who has stomach issues that cause horrific gas, my thoughts today have wandered…what are the best places to pass it? And then…Where are the worst?
- Outside. Especially if it’s windy, bonus for a noisy area where you can be loud and disgusting and no one hears you. Just make sure it’s going to stay noisy. And windy. Nothing worse than one of those hot lingering bombs and it won’t go away outside of all places. (Well kids, we just happen to be downwind of a farm. Yes, I know we’re in the city. Just trust me. It’s a farm. Not your mother.)
- Home. I make this second because it’s indoors, and there’s a possibility you can stink yourself and your loved ones out. They may not love you at this point. You may not love you if this happens.
- Indoor playgrounds. The possibility of offending other parents runs here, but if it’s a big enough area you can cropdust and blame it on some kid. Because you KNOW at least one kid is running with a full load.
- The Car. A moving vehicle with the windows down. Unless you’re in Minnesota anytime between October and April. Then I don’t recommend it.
- In line at the grocery store. If you can pull off the silent but deadly, you might encourage someone in front of you to leave. This also requires either an ability to act as though you’re not to blame and also offended by the smell or a complete lack of shame. Own it.
Next we have the worst places.
- First date/first sleepover etc. You want to maybe keep this person around. Maybe you don’t. Let’s assume that you want to keep them around. Embarrassment in front of your boo or bae or whatever the fuck stupid thing people are saying now is not cool. We want to be our best, smell amazing and not be bloated foul creatures like we are at home alone. The point is to not be alone, so let’s break out the Bean-o.
- Edit: adding in dance floor. A friend shared an experience where a ten foot section was cleared by a toxic wave emanating from another friend. Although, this could be a good thing too if you’re looking for space from the creepers. Not so much if you’re in the meat market though.
- Work. No one wants to be trapped in a small area with an offensive odor. We all know who’s responsible for it, and unless you’re working outside or completely alone it’s just not a good idea. Maybe not even if you’re alone. Once I was working in a locked office all alone, let one go, and then someone knocked on the door. I was seen so I couldn’t pretend to not be there, had to let them in and had a very uncomfortable encounter where we were both trying to pretend there was no smell. The stories go on. I go on.
- A wedding. Unless you are looking for an excuse to get out, then by all means. Light it up.
- A funeral. Unless you need comic relief.
- A restaurant. Just imagine it…you’re there, you’re hungry, and then this overwhelming stench wafts by from a nearby booth. Ugh. However if you can stand your own smell, maybe it’s fine. Less competition for the wait staff’s attention. This is a positivity blog, after all.