Little plans and designs

I enrolled my daughter A in dance at the beginning of the school year. She says she loves it, and it is so fun to see her 6 year old cuteness doing the ballet and tap in practice. My ex husband had no interest- he would not contribute in funds or time, which made it harder, but ultimately since it was something A wanted I was and am still willing to help her do it as long as she wants to. The new schedule for her class is on nights where her dad has her, or on weekends which would require us both to be on board. Hmmmm.

I had this thought at the end of the year, her recital was coming up, maybe her dad would see her in all her cuteness doing her dance to the teddy bear picnic song and melt and suddenly everything would change and she would have two supportive parents! It was foolproof.

The first dance at the recital was the competition team. Older girls, but high school age. Not exactly rap music video level dancing, but not classical ballet either.

Quote from my sister who talked to the ex: “I’m not paying for her to do booty popping, but if she wants to do something else then I’ll help pay”.

So there went that plan. Ok. So what if we picked something else? What does A want? In the past, every suggestion I made to the ex he would shoot down, he didnt want her in any activities. I decided, ok, I’ll pick a new studio that has classes on nights where I have her. Well, options are limited. Either we do some driving and change the work schedule or we circle right back again to dear old dad who doesn’t care if its classical ballet or tap, it’s not happening.

If I try to force something, even if its something she says she wants, the results are inevitably disaster for my alcoholic self. My spiritual program demands I step back, before resentment sets in.

So today, I am surrendering. God, who is the master designer, will either have a class for her if that is his will, or it isn’t the place for her to be. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the search, but I’m not going to approach this with anxiety or force something that will cause stress every week. And I hope A will understand, and theres something else out there for her. I truly believe it will commence as the creator designs it to.

  1. Delicious eggs for breakfast, made by Lover. Over easy, and chopped up in the plate so the yolk is all gooey and Omg I am so hungry now.
  2. Leftover homemade pasta and sauce for lunch, packed lovingly by Lover as I was racing out the door. He is so considerate of my needs and I am so grateful for that
  3. Coffee.. also put into a to go cup by Lover. I didnt get as much sleep as I could have last night and the coffee kept me going. This guy is so amazing!
  4. Bestie Hannah, who I got to talk to on lunch break. Planning our camping trip! So excited for our annual trip!
  5. Getting to see my babies after not seeing them for a whole weekend. 💖

6/15/18

Friiiiiday!

I’m kinda in a funk though. Woke up so happy to be alive and then reality bitch slapped my face that I was late for work to a job I’m resentful towards, as well as making the ex late for work because I was late dropping J off with him. My time management in the mornings is awful.

My workday has kinda sucked. My supervisor called me out for looking angry in a meeting. I let her know some of my reasons for being unhappy, but while she’s finally ready to hear all the things I’ve been telling her for years I’m just kinda done. I don’t like my attitude, I’d rather be Polly Positive and believe her when she tells me things are going to change, but it’s just not there.

This resentment is kicking my ass. I did an inventory on this but havent done a 5th step yet, so I’m stewing in this and I don’t like it. I also realized how much fear is packed into this today, and it was like a key clicked in the lock and unlocked the truth.

The truth that all my resentment in this job is based in fear. Fear I won’t get what I want (such as my way of doing things. Not my bosses way-my way). I need to get it out before I do something dumb, like quit my job, carry the resentment into other relationships, or, if it goes too far, drinking over it. I plan to call someone tomorrow, I cant live like this.

It’s a funny thing, my supervisor finally appears to be moving in the directions I’ve been recommending for 3 years, and I’m so resentful I can’t enjoy it. Typical alcoholic right here.

******

Soon I’ll get to see Lover and go share in the joy of the Grooms dinner we are attending for his friend.

I love weddings.

I see how happy the bride and groom are, and its contagious. I get all teary sometimes too. Love is so beautiful.

  1. Waking up in Lovers arms
  2. Dress weather…its finally been warm enough, and I’ve worn a dress every day this week.
  3. Spending lunch outside in the sun reading a book
  4. Found the eyeliner I lost 2 weeks ago!
  5. Its Friday, and loooove is in the air
  • 6/5

    My back hurts. But in a good way. I think?

    I’ve been a-walkin. Got 6 miles in on Sunday with a 2 1/2 hour jaunt Lover and I did on an attempt to walk to the store for vanilla ice cream that turned into walking to a different store further away and buying puzzles and caramel ice cream. (It all worked out)

    I’ve also been walking on all my lunch breaks and trying to not eat sugar. I’m positively murderous today. (Well, I was until I went to someone else’s office at work and raided the candy dish, effectively erasing the good the walk did.)

    Anyway, the ache in my lower back from doing daily mile walks in flip flops (it’s hot out) feels good. Because its exercise. It’s getting out of the office and breathing in fresh air and sunlight.

    ****

    I’m still following the Kilauea eruption closely. Sadly, no more media calls for me, but emailed updates today let me know the lava has crossed into the park Lover and I went to for the warm springs/tidepools. I think they’re actually gone. Like wiped off the planet. It’s a strange feeling. The entire geographic map of that part of the island will now be different. Kapoho Bay is now in a different shape because lava is creating new land mass. (USGS highly recommends not walking on it yet as it is highly unstable)

    Nature is powerful, and mesmerizing in its beauty.

    1. Coffee.

    2. Lunch that I stole from Lover. (I’m sorry!) Delicious grilled chicken and zucchini left over from last night.

    3. Summer. Warmth. Sun! Finally this is a place I like to be once more.

    4. Lilacs are still blooming, and smell so good

    5. I have a job. Still the same one I’ve been working, but I just need to take a moment and appreciate that I have a job when other people are out of work and express a little gratitude.

    Math

    Just thought I’d share with you all, that after blood, sweat, and tears I have completed my math course.

    So many tears.

    But I got an A! Thanks to Lover’s love, support and tutoring skills I learned things, and came out the other side. I may actually enjoy math too.

    If you havent followed along, this is huge for me. I struggled with math all through high school. Every year I got left behind and so frustrated and angry. I carried alot of resentment towards math.

    It has been a looming threat since I started taking classes that at some point, math would have to happen. And it all lined up last year- I felt strongly that God was pointing me to take this class. I was so afraid.

    Here I am now. On the other side and while I know I cried and banged my head literally on the kitchen table I feel astonished that it’s over, and I got an A. So much fear held me back. Fear that kept me from doing something I was afraid I wasnt capable of. I am so proud of myself for doing it. For giving myself the chance to fail and facing that fear. I feel like I am capable of so much more now. I kind of want to find my limits.

    1. Obviously, getting an A! In MATH!
    2. Scrambled eggs with some salsa for breakfast
    3. Playing piano on my lunch break.
    4. Seeing my girls after they’ve been at their dads. So good.
    5. Going home soon and will see Lover when he gets home.

    Appreciation

    Lately we’ve been listening to a meditation entitled “abundance”. I don’t recall much about it, as it plays while we’re falling asleep but I have it on the brain today.

    So full. My life is abundant.

    Yesterday I studied math in the sunshine, went for a run, studied in the sun while Lover grilled a delicious dinner, went to a meeting. It was so great.

    Even more so because I normally don’t run unless, kickball. (Holy SHIT do I hurt today)

    On the way to the meeting last night, we stumbled onto a radio interview with a former baseball player who now does some sort of counseling/life coaching. He was talking about appreciation. It was really interesting, he said something to the effect of “no one ever comes up to me after a talk and says, ‘I’m so over appreciated’.” He said theres a chemical reaction in the brain that happens when we give verbal appreciation to another person, and also that marriages without mutual appreciation fail.

    It made me think about my relationship with Lover. Something we talk about is recognizing and speaking our gratitude and appreciation for each other. How good it feels to hear it. And how it is heartfelt when its said. (So many warm fuzzies right now)

    I was also thinking of this today when emailing a colleague to ask her to stop copying myself and others on her approval emails. I threw in a paragraph about how much I appreciate her prompt approvals for her orders, and it makes my job easier that she does it. She responded that I made her day. Something so simple as telling her the truth about how I appreciate her work made her day. Which in turn, made mine.

    1. Grapes. Omg…my boss brought in these juicy red grapes and they are so good!
    2. A fantastic GI doctor. We made a plan for treating my stomach stuff that is homeopathic and unique to me. I’m excited, and feel really good about it. Plus. She’s just cool and I enjoy talking to her.
    3. Sexistential Crisis, by Battle Toys. I got a prerelease of their new music and have been enjoying it all morning. I think that song is my favorite so far.
    4. Seeing my girls tonight after a long weekend without them. I miss my girls.
    5. An amazing breakfast from Lover, cooked for me, and eaten while discussing Nothing Compares 2 U. My breakfasts with him make me so happy, and it’s so hard to leave for work. The best part of my day so far.

    Now, please enjoy this artwork my two year old did on my phone. I think its great.

    Day 61

    Today is my 61st day without a cigarette. I’m still getting urges here and there, but it’s not so bad. I see smokers now, and think with surprise oh hey, I used to do that!

    I’ve been playing alot of chess lately. I’ve beaten a few online opponents on the app I’m using. I’ve mostly been playing against Lover, who has now beaten me 26 times but I’m getting better…I’m going to beat him soon. I’m also going to ask him to write a guest post as well soon. He has a theory on chess as it relates to life in recovery that is fascinating. I’m hoping he’ll be willing to share it, but of course…he can write about whatever he wants

    1. A gym membership! I actually got it a couple weeks ago (thank you Lover) but its helping my seasonal moods by giving me the exercise my body is craving. I feel sore and wonderful simultaneously.

    2. Pho for lunch today. Mmmm…

    3. Booked a camping adventure with Hannah and my sister in a few months. Hopefully winter will be over in July and we can maybe hike without snow boots. In any case I’m excited…its so fun with them.

    4. A delicious cup of root beer, freely provided by customer appreciation at work. So good it’s bad.

    5. Getting to see my girls tonight after work. I haven’t seen them all weekend, and I miss them very much.

    Also, bonus round…i got an A on my math test yesterday! Oh yeah!

    Abundance

    I’m sitting in a room, listening to a motivational speaker talking about resilience mindsets. She asks us to close our eyes, and envision our perfect day.

    I put aside my math homework (because let’s be honest, I wasn’t paying attention for the first hour and a half) and close my eyes.

    My perfect day…I’ve had so many recently, this is easy.

    I’m with Lover, and all three kids. We wake up on a weekend, have breakfast. We take our time getting ready. We go to the St. Patrick’s day parade, then to the store for dinner food. We eat a nice meal together. It’s nice out, we take the kids to the park and run and play. We come home, we bathe the kids who are covered in mud, make popcorn and watch the Princess Bride as a family. So much love and happiness surround us.

    This is it…life. It’s so good.

    ****

    Lately, my job has been awful. I’m not going to go into details, but I’m crying at my desk or ready to punch something or walk out half the time. Its not good.

    Yesterday a couple things happened. Someone I know took a job in the same company I work for, and was asking me questions about insurance plans and benefits. She is so excited- the benefits are really great. She kept saying how much better they are here than what she’s used to.

    She’s absolutely right. The benefits are really good, and better than I’d get outside my company.

    The other thing that happened, was a coworker from another department came up to talk to me and my boss about issues with her department that will affect us in our department. There’s a supervisor that overspent her budget, is extremely hostile to her assistant, and is setting the assistant up to take the fall for her spending. And I’m thinking to myself, it could be so much worse-I could be working in that environment.

    So, today has a theme- job positivity!

    1. I have great coworkers. Really. I complain sometimes about so-and-so not doing this or that, but we do care about each other and I truly like them as wonderful humans and maybe even friends.
    2. Great benefits. I have good insurance and retirement. A few people I know don’t have that and I’m grateful for it.
    3. I make enough money. A liveable wage. I’m living close to the edge, but not so close I cant go out to dinner every so often.
    4. I live close enough to my work, and daycare is on the way that I don’t have a huge commute. It’s well located as far as my kids go.
    5. My workplace is very encouraging of higher education, and has paid for me to take classes that aren’t job related. This is an amazing benefit.

    I may have a really hard time of it sometimes, but remembering the really good stuff makes it easier to get through it.

    The daily

    Tonight, my cat jumped to bat the chain for the door lock (5 feet high!) And while doing so, flipped the light switch off.

    This might be the most interesting thing that’s happened all day.

    Upon my return to normal life after the vacation 5 weeks ago, Lover and I both got sick with some awful cold virus that we still can’t seem to kick. Did all the things. Tinctures. Dayquil and Nyquil. Afrin Nasal spray. Steam out the apartment. Advil cold and sinus. Sudafed. After a couple weeks of this, mine turned into a double sinus infection with bronchitis and Lover had a sinus infection with a wicked cough.

    Life is hard when you’re sick. Not sick enough to not work (or in my case out of sick time at the job so therefore must work unless dead) but sick enough for no energy and daily life is a struggle. I feel very fortunate that Lover and I have been able to depend on each other to take care of each other through this. Truly, it’s not as awful being sick when you’re sick together and taking turns taking care of each other.

    Positive notes:

    1. Discovered Rick and Morty. Yessssss
    2. Lover makes delicious ramen and peppermint tea and stewed apples
    3. I make crazy delicious chicken soup
    4. All the children survived sick parents and somehow managed to not get sick themselves
    5. After 5 weeks of being sick I finally have energy back.
    6. It’s nearly spring! In less than 1.5 hours it will be the spring equinox. It’s about time. I’m so fed up with cold and electric bills and not having the windows open.

    Ohana

    One of the things I remember most about the movie Lilo and Stitch is them talking about ohana…which means family. I found myself tonight at an AA meeting on the big island of Hawai’i by this name. (Yes, there is a good reason I haven’t posted much haha). Lover and I met some wonderful people at another meeting here, and they told us about the Ohana meeting. It’s an “eating meeting”, we’re told. “Come eat some Hawaiian food.” Sold. We came to the island on a private retreat, to a wellness center. There’s only one place to smoke in the area, everything else is off limits. Me, being the dirty dirty smoker goes off to find that area on the first day…only to find that the majority of those there are smoking the devil’s lettuce. Ok fine. I hang to the outer area, not really talking to anyone. Then I go back several hours later. More people are there this time, and it’s not tobacco in the pipe. They’re much friendlier, and tried to pass to me. Lover showed up right after this, and they tried to pass to him as well. There’s a part in the Big Book where it talks about only being around alcohol if you have a good reason to be there. Lover tells me he doesn’t- he doesn’t smoke so he will no longer join me at the tent. My wheels start turning. Do I have a good reason to be there? Is my nasty cigarette addiction reason enough for me to put my sobriety in jeopardy every time I need a smoke? I brought a long a bunch of nicotine patches for the plane rides, I have enough for the duration of the trip. So I did it. Three days without a single cigarette, and it’s fucking hard. Yes, I’m on the patch. Yes it’s worth it to not be around all the Mary Jane. However I feel like I’ve been in an anxiety attack for the last 24 hours. And that, brings me to the meeting. The anxiety has been building over the last day…it started surfacing about an hour or two before the meeting. We get there, grab some coffee, and sit. I sip my coffee, looking longingly towards the door where I know other sober folk are out smoking. They’d give me a smoke. Then relief hits. Something relaxed inside. I’m home. I’m with my people. AA is where I can walk into the room of strangers and everyone knows me and I know them. It didn’t really hit me until after I left tonight that the meeting name, Ohana means family. Those are my family. I’m still a basket case, I cried some on the drive back to the resort. I might smoke tomorrow. I make no promises. But today, tonight I’m sober and tobacco free. And my family was there giving me hugs and telling me they understood.

    Jan 11

    Today wasn’t great. 

    Actually, that’s an understatement. 

    I don’t want to sit in misery, so here comes some positivity at ya!

    1. I was (slightly) early to work today

    2. I was provided a lovely breakfast by Lover, scrambled eggs with spinach, green peppers, mushrooms and toast. I wasn’t able to finish it, but it was delicious. 

    3. I got my lunchtime errands run, through a blizzard, and wasn’t late back. Freaking impressive! 

    4. Celebrated J’s 2nd birthday…she scarfed down pizza, ate cake and ice cream and loves her new toy. I just want to cry….she’s so big. I’m amazed and delighted with both my kids, they’re turning into people and I love it. Miss the baby part, but love my little people.

    5. Managed 1.5 hours of homework. I still need to check it. I think I’m behind but I’m being thorough so that’s good, right?

    And now…bed. Another positive.