6/15/18

Friiiiiday!

I’m kinda in a funk though. Woke up so happy to be alive and then reality bitch slapped my face that I was late for work to a job I’m resentful towards, as well as making the ex late for work because I was late dropping J off with him. My time management in the mornings is awful.

My workday has kinda sucked. My supervisor called me out for looking angry in a meeting. I let her know some of my reasons for being unhappy, but while she’s finally ready to hear all the things I’ve been telling her for years I’m just kinda done. I don’t like my attitude, I’d rather be Polly Positive and believe her when she tells me things are going to change, but it’s just not there.

This resentment is kicking my ass. I did an inventory on this but havent done a 5th step yet, so I’m stewing in this and I don’t like it. I also realized how much fear is packed into this today, and it was like a key clicked in the lock and unlocked the truth.

The truth that all my resentment in this job is based in fear. Fear I won’t get what I want (such as my way of doing things. Not my bosses way-my way). I need to get it out before I do something dumb, like quit my job, carry the resentment into other relationships, or, if it goes too far, drinking over it. I plan to call someone tomorrow, I cant live like this.

It’s a funny thing, my supervisor finally appears to be moving in the directions I’ve been recommending for 3 years, and I’m so resentful I can’t enjoy it. Typical alcoholic right here.

******

Soon I’ll get to see Lover and go share in the joy of the Grooms dinner we are attending for his friend.

I love weddings.

I see how happy the bride and groom are, and its contagious. I get all teary sometimes too. Love is so beautiful.

  1. Waking up in Lovers arms
  2. Dress weather…its finally been warm enough, and I’ve worn a dress every day this week.
  3. Spending lunch outside in the sun reading a book
  4. Found the eyeliner I lost 2 weeks ago!
  5. Its Friday, and loooove is in the air
  • VDay

    I am so blessed and happy at this point in my life. Today has barely started but is already so full. Lover and I are on our way back to Mn from Hawai’i- a harsh cold and reality of daily life await but strangely I’m not sad. I love Hawai’i. It’s a place I could easily see myself living. But my life is lived where I am…which is currently en route via multiple layovers. Last night I went to sleep on a plane taking off in a storm, terrified to the point of almost vomiting. More turbulence than I’m comfortable with FOR SURE but I had a warm hand to hold and the knowledge if it was my time then I’d go happy. And I’m good with going out like that. Happy, that is. Plane crash…not so much. In any case, we survived and landed at the first layover tired and sore and happy. I can’t speak for him, but for me…just incredibly happy I’m where I am with him. And that life gets to continue in the every day with him in it. (Maaaan… if you only knew how okay I am with how cheesy I sound) Just the simple adventure of being in the same place as the man I love. Today is so special already for the experience I’ve had so far and the adventure I anticipate on the next layover. Happy Valentine’s day to you all. 1. I didn’t die 2. The LA airport is nowhere near as crazy as I thought it would be…but we did land at 5am so there’s that 3. Coffee. I got all sorts of jacked and bounced around the airport for an hour or so. So fun. 4. A delicious breakfast 5. A possible beach on my next layover. Anything could happen. Chaos theory comes to mind, but in a good way. (God I wish Jeff Goldblum was on my flight. I’ve been making so many Jurassic park references lately. Have I mentioned I love dinosaurs?)

    Ohana

    One of the things I remember most about the movie Lilo and Stitch is them talking about ohana…which means family. I found myself tonight at an AA meeting on the big island of Hawai’i by this name. (Yes, there is a good reason I haven’t posted much haha). Lover and I met some wonderful people at another meeting here, and they told us about the Ohana meeting. It’s an “eating meeting”, we’re told. “Come eat some Hawaiian food.” Sold. We came to the island on a private retreat, to a wellness center. There’s only one place to smoke in the area, everything else is off limits. Me, being the dirty dirty smoker goes off to find that area on the first day…only to find that the majority of those there are smoking the devil’s lettuce. Ok fine. I hang to the outer area, not really talking to anyone. Then I go back several hours later. More people are there this time, and it’s not tobacco in the pipe. They’re much friendlier, and tried to pass to me. Lover showed up right after this, and they tried to pass to him as well. There’s a part in the Big Book where it talks about only being around alcohol if you have a good reason to be there. Lover tells me he doesn’t- he doesn’t smoke so he will no longer join me at the tent. My wheels start turning. Do I have a good reason to be there? Is my nasty cigarette addiction reason enough for me to put my sobriety in jeopardy every time I need a smoke? I brought a long a bunch of nicotine patches for the plane rides, I have enough for the duration of the trip. So I did it. Three days without a single cigarette, and it’s fucking hard. Yes, I’m on the patch. Yes it’s worth it to not be around all the Mary Jane. However I feel like I’ve been in an anxiety attack for the last 24 hours. And that, brings me to the meeting. The anxiety has been building over the last day…it started surfacing about an hour or two before the meeting. We get there, grab some coffee, and sit. I sip my coffee, looking longingly towards the door where I know other sober folk are out smoking. They’d give me a smoke. Then relief hits. Something relaxed inside. I’m home. I’m with my people. AA is where I can walk into the room of strangers and everyone knows me and I know them. It didn’t really hit me until after I left tonight that the meeting name, Ohana means family. Those are my family. I’m still a basket case, I cried some on the drive back to the resort. I might smoke tomorrow. I make no promises. But today, tonight I’m sober and tobacco free. And my family was there giving me hugs and telling me they understood.

    Day 95

    I’m sick…went from just exhausted to exhausted+sore throat+lungs hurt. Plus kids = tired tired Lynn. However, a very kind and thoughtful person brought me two kinds of bone broth, two soups, and herbal tea, so hopefully I’ll kick this quickly!

    1. Sleeping in after calling in sick to work. Cuddles and snuggles make feeling bad, not so bad.

    2. The broth and tea. There’s nothing like it when you’re feeling crappy.

    3. I got a new oven today! Haven’t tested it out yet, because, sick but I’m looking forward to it immensely.

    4. Watched a ton of tv. Which is normally a bad thing but it was nice that it was available when I couldn’t get off the couch.

    5. Doing A’s homework with her. 

    And an amazing sunset. A took the first picture, I took the second. She’s pretty good at photography.


    Day 91

    There are many aspects of parenting I enjoy. Braiding my daughter’s wet hair while she snuggles on my lap. That moment when the toddler says the “please” I’ve been working on her with for weeks. Those are the ones I live for.

    There are also the moments when I’m tearing the place apart looking for the hair scissors I put where little hands couldn’t reach them in a place so good even I can’t find them. (Where in the fucking fuck did I put those things?)

    I realized tonight after my fruitless search that I need to get rid of some things.

    I looked in all the places that I would normally keep such things, and found items I haven’t used or touched in God knows how long. But I *might* use or want them someday, so I keep them. Like the cake pop lotion that smells like vanilla cake so strongly it gives me a headache. Or all the perfumes I don’t wear. The eyeshadow I got 2 or 3 years ago that I haven’t worn since.

    I’m rambling. Bottom line, I just need to get rid of some crap. Then I might (or might not) find things when I need them.

    1. I slept in. I wasn’t supposed to do that, but it was warm and snuggly in my bed. I didn’t shower or get breakfast before I left but it was kinda worth it today.

    2. I found a hairbrush I tore up the place looking for earlier.

    3. An extremely cute toddler said please when asking for her milk.

    4. News flash: scissors were located. At my sister’s place.

    5. I listened to new music today. No idea who they were and didn’t write it down but it was good.

    Made an appointment to donate blood tomorrow. It might be unwise considering my low blood pressure issues but there are over 500 people who were wounded in that Vegas attack who need blood and I think it’s worth the risk. 

    Also, this.

    Day 76

    I *may* have a baking problem.

    Yesterday I baked bread. And a triple berry crisp.

    Today, I did this:
    Apple pecan pie.

    It’s under cooked.

    I had exactly 1 hour before I had to leave before it came out. But, it’s all good. I consulted with my baker friend who told me there are no rules against par baking, so in theory, it should be fine. It’s in round two in the oven right now so we will see. God it smells so good.

    1. Yoga, meditation, and breakfast. I only vaguely recall the first two, as I may have still been asleep. But it happened! It was an amazing start to my day.

    2. Plan of action regarding my stomach. Blood work, food diary (which I was supposed to do before and didnt), and meds to treat my attacks. Wait and see, I guess.

    3. Chickens. My sister’s bought some, and I went to see them on my lunch break. Super cute.


    4. Kickball. I got on base 3 out of 4 times which is good. I also umped a themed game, hippies versus hipsters. It was entertaining.

    5. Piano practice is going better. I’m learning to play chords with my left while the melody on my right. It’s difficult, but it’s getting better and I’m rather proud of myself. I just have to keep practicing!

    Also, fog over the fields was beautiful.

    Day 72 (Edited)

    Things I need to work on:

    1. Self care. 

    I’m not doing so great on that. I discovered that tonight when I went to my meeting and realized I hadn’t eaten in over 8 hours and was dehydrated and almost fell over in front of a hundred people I was chairing the meeting in front of. Plus, I’m not reading, I didn’t give myself a chance to meditate or even sit down when I got home tonight, it was straight cleaning then off to the races. I’m overtired from not sleeping well last night, and still physically exhausted from 5 days of packing, moving and unpacking.

    I found myself about ready to burst into tears before I realized I needed a salt pill and water. Took one, drank the water and snapped up a little but I had no access to food until I got home just now. And I did not eat wisely when I did get home. I’m making it a point to relax some tomorrow after I get J to bed.

    Also, even though I’ve thought about having a cigarette frequently, I haven’t smoked. One day at a time.

    1. Meditated when I woke up today. That was a good start to my day.

    2. Made an egg scramble for breakfast, eggs, peppers, mushrooms, sausage and green onion. I have enough left over for breakfast tomorrow too.

    3. Saw A off on her first day of kindergarten. So proud of her. 

    4. Tacos for lunch. So good.

    5. This.

    He then tried to leap into the cabinet but missed and slid down, kind of bounced off the counter and landed on the floor. I then cleared off the fridge so I could shut the doors to prevent such an occurrence from happening again. It will probably happen again. 

    I ran into a former person from my drinking days at the meeting tonight. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I’m super happy he’s sober and doing well for himself, but on the other hand I’m not sure how I feel about him being in my home group on the regular. I’m not entirely sure why I’m uncomfortable with it. Musings for another day I think. I need bed. 

    EDIT: I removed the term “lover” from the paragraph above. I’ve only had one lover in my life, by the way I think of the term and I won’t cheapen it by referring to a man I had a casual relationship I had in that way.

    Day 71

    Exhaustion.

    Pure physical exhaustion.

    And I quit smoking.

    I pretty much finished unpacking and putting together the beds. I have the living room mostly arranged to my liking, and my lovely keyboard is set up. You know, the important things. I replaced the blinds that A broke our first day here (took two trips to Wal-Mart as I got the wrong size on the first go). I put up wall decals in the girls room, and got my room mostly in order. I forgot to feed myself several times and I’m too spent to actually make anything now. But it’s a good tired. The kind that comes after you know you’ve done some serious work. Physical tired.

    1. Breakfast of eggs and toast and coffee. I didn’t have to work today (which should be a positive all by itself) but I got up early and made breakfast and it was delicious. 

    2. Obviously, the apartment. I’m loving this place. It feels like home. I got some snuggle time in on the couch before I kicked off into high gear and pretty much didn’t stop moving until 3pm when I made myself stop for a sandwich. 

    3. My new lamp. I found it at the store and HAD to have it. I put it back on the shelf twice before I decided I’d regret not getting it like I regret not getting this indescribable decorative thing I saw when I was getting my kitchen table. (I might have to try and go back to get it…it was so cool) But anyway….lamp!

    Isn’t it cute?

    4. A’s first night of dance class. We rolled in with 5 minutes to spare and managed to get dressed and purchase dance shoes in time for the class. She’s a natural, and loves the class. I’m so happy about this. I was worried she wouldn’t like it but she’s so excited and happy for the class and it makes me feel so good that I can do that for her.

    5. Quitting smoking. This is something I’ve wanted to do for a while. I tried and failed hypnosis last week. (Either the hypnotist sucks or I’m not super open to suggestion. I like to think the latter) So I’m doing the patch. So far, I’ve had a couple thoughts about having a cigarette but I haven’t needed one. I feel good about that. I’m going to take it like my sobriety and do it one day at a time. I left myself a half pack in my car, and it’s there if I need one but so far I haven’t. We will see how tomorrow goes. Happy thoughts.

    Bonus round. Looking into dance classes. This is something I’ve wanted to do forever, and I’ve been presented an opportunity to do it. I’m so excited about it. Still working out the details so not sure when or where but I feel like this is going to be a really good thing.

    Day 54

    Yesterday was a delicious blur. Once I got past the parenting part where I was two steps behind anyway.

    1. Clean carpets. I shampooed the carpets to remove the stains my offspring left on them. Sadly many of the stains remain, but it’s much cleaner and smells pretty.

    2. Live music. Went to a thing in downtown and heard some bands. There was food I could eat (!!) and my friends. Only one band was terrible, and it was bad enough some of my friends left and went elsewhere but the one after it was killer and completely worth staying for. 

    3. Delicious deli food. Went to Whole Foods and ate off the hot bar. They never disappoint me.

    4. Went to my first art gallery…it was beautiful. I didn’t understand one of the artist’s works, but the other one there has such beautiful paintings. I could have stared for hours.

    5. Mini golf and a Ferris wheel. It was not the typical amusement park, and it was super fun. I got a picture of a spider. Such a fun day/night.