Struggles

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Parenting struggles tonight, guys.

It’s real.

When your kid tells you they’d be happy if their sibling died it’s hard to hear or understand. I mean, they play together? They are all fun and cute and sometimes fight but something is very wrong for A to feel like that.

Fast forward through to bedtime. I tell A to put her jammies on, that she needs to be on the couch, with her book ready to read by the time I’m done getting J ready and done with reading to J. Shes got plenty of time, but she struggles with it. She and Lover end up in a negotiation over earning the jammies she wants at the store. Shes running out of time, and I warn her.

Then she runs out of time. Shes walking up in her jammies as I’m getting up to put J down. I’m firm, she was warned. She cries, she wants her story. J got her story, why cant I have mine?

I put them to bed, its meltdown city in there. Everyone is crying. I’m frustrated. If I give an inch she takes a mile and suddenly we are 35 minutes past bedtime and the morning is already a harder struggle.

Lover reminds me of her comment earlier, and that he can totally see why she hates her sister. Because J listens and A gets distracted A feels like the bad kid. And the bad kid always plays the role of the bad kid. A needs to feel loved and accepted and I dont know how to love her the way she wants to be loved. I dont even know what that is, I just know everything I do is wrong. And I feel like like theres a wall between me and her now and I cant get through. Shes 7. Where did I go wrong? When did it happen? Can it be fixed?

I have no answers.

1. The sunrise was beautiful

2. I did yoga at work on lunch and it felt amazing

3. Lover cooked me a most delicious and wonderful breakfast of eggs bacon and toast. I feel loved and taken care of

4. I have Lover to tell me the truth, even if it’s hard to hear he speaks from love and that is precious to me.

5. I love my babies so much and they are fun beautiful little people.

Crankypants

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Some serious shits gone down since last we spoke.

Lover and I made the move happen…we are now in a new apartment. At the time, that caused me an unbelievable amount of stress. I was also feeling alot of old emotional pain…old. Maybe childhood, I dont know.

Then we went to Oregon. It was amazing. So beautiful, and relaxing. We had a great time.

We came back, and I had a hard time of it for a while. I was way out of balance, feeling overwhelmed, in emotional pain, and suddenly I didnt know how to take care of myself. How to unwind or relax.

I ended up creating a schedule for myself that met my needs and things are better.

I feel a bit guilty for not writing during this time. Doing daily positivity would have helped me immensely and I didnt do it until a friend started a daily gratitude text group and included me.

Then I felt way better.

And I remembered this space…my positively positive space to be in pain and still find all the positives in my life.

Its beautiful, and I’m still here.

1. Morning meditation…

2. Hot shower

3. Sweet sweet coffee

4. Waking up with Lover in the morning

5. Seeing my girls this evening.

Bonus round….Lover has a muscle injury, and has to ice his groin. Instead of getting upset about him having a cold lap, I reminded him the cold is good for his “production zone”. Positivity all around!

The Unexpected

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Plot twist – my lovely little apartment that Lover and I have made a home with our children has been found covered in mold and we have to move out.

So that’s exciting.

We have just a couple weeks to find a new place and move all the stuff out. Which stressed me out to incredible levels, until Lover suggested moving to a desirable part of town. Instantly, my attitude changed. Suddenly, instead of this huge wide open scary thing, there was a mission, a goal that wasnt just necessary but also exciting.

Incidentally, this is also the area I grew up in. (They say you cant go home, but, here we go!)

So I’m going to go look at 3 apartments tonight after work. I feel good about this. These were the first 3 I called, and the only 3 that answered the phone/had availability/ weren’t senior living/had openings on the dates needed.

I’m hoping for the best, that one of these spots is the right one. I feel confident after praying that God will show us the way, and Lover and I will have the best possible place to live.

I’ll keep you posted!

  1. The trees are changing color…its beautiful
  2. Lover made me the best coffee ever this morning. Thank you!!
  3. Delicious leftover meatloaf for lunch…I was naughty and drank a coke with it. So good though!
  4. I’ve been really productive at work today, figuring things out and getting it done!
  5. It’s so nice out…I’m sitting outside on my break and its warm and perfect out.

Learning

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I have been swallowed by life it seems. The past month has been a blur of my new job plus making the most of my time with children and Lover, but I havent made much time for friends or music.

This disappoints me.

I gave up kickball this season too. It just felt like another demand on my time that I just didnt have right now.

All this frightens me.

It’s so easy for me to make exceptions for the rules of my meetings and friends. And then the exceptions become the rules and I’m out of balance and spiritually sick.

The only answer, is to show up again. But since I missed my Monday meeting this week, I’ll maybe get a Wednesday meeting in and make sure I get there this coming Monday. I’m going to meet my sponsee. Call my friends to say hi. And pray for the knowledge of Gods will and the power to carry it out. But not in that order.

1. I got up this morning and showered. This was good for everyone.

2. I found paperwork relating to a job-thing I’ve been trying to figure out and it was super helpful.

3. Free tacos for lunch! Lover packed me a delicious lunch but right as I was about to go a coworker grabbed me for a potluck I didnt know about and I got to have taco bar instead. I’m looking forward to the lentils tomorrow though! He made me soup from scratch last night and while he doesn’t think so, it is freaking delicious.

4. Having a lovely night with the girls. They were pretty well behaved, and I got to play a couple games of checkers with A. She stalemated me for one of the games! I’m impressed.

5. Going to bed early. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open anymore.

Also, here is a picture of me eating the toast Lover made for me when I was running late to work the other day. He’s the absolute best.

Changes, or, Meditation

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Or both.

Last week I started a new job, one that I hope will bring new opportunities.

Also, since we last spoke I went camping with Lover + kids, to a sober music festival, watched a meteor shower from inside a hatchback in a cornfield, went boating, started regularly attending a womens meeting, and baked copious amounts of goods.

I also did my best to be helpful when someone needed it.

To be more specific, Lover and I were invited to his friends house for dinner last night. The friend and his girlfriend have kids, our kids play together sometimes and we’ve gone there before. However, this friend recently started, and stopped drinking.

So, we go over there, and things were…not quite right when we got there. Turns out, hes drinking still, his girlfriend is avoiding him and us while trying to watch their kids, dinner was way off kilter. I was feeling anxious about the whole thing, and we were about to leave when suddenly his friend leaves the house, (“oh hey guys, I’m just going to go for a walk”). As soon as he leaves, the girlfriend starts telling us all the problems. Lover goes after his friend, and I hang back to talk and help the girlfriend where I can. Shes fed up with the drinking. Wants him to leave or get sober but she is a stay at home mom and has nowhere to go, the house is in his name.

And I dont know what to say.

She knows I’m sober, and shes looking at me, asking me what to do and I have no clue what to tell her. I feel like I’m supposed to know something and give her sage advice but I’m drawing a blank and I dont want to say the wrong thing.

So I help her clean her house after the kids ran roughshod, and eventually Lover comes back and we leave. I feel like helping her clean was the right move, but I feel unfinished, like I should know something to tell her. Its bothering me.

So after writing, I’m going to go read the al anon daily meditation books I have, and give it to the man upstairs.

1. Got to sleep in today! Perk of the new job being closer. More snuggles with Lover as a lovely result.

2. A packed lunch for me, by the aforementioned Lover. It was Turkey and spinach and love.

3. I’m learning parts of my new job, this pleases me.

4. Went to the womens meeting tonight, the topic was step 11 and it was perfect.

5. Sat down with carrots and hummus for dinner, while writing this post. I’ve missed blogging, and didnt realize how much until I began to write tonight.

💙

Camping

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Yep.

Nobody puts J in a corner, except, you know…J.

We had a ton of fun though. The girls were great, really well behaved and we stayed busy the whole time. Even relaxing seemed like we did alot, coloring and fires and marshmallows. I gained 4 pounds. And that’s with constant activity.

Let’s get some positivity going!

  1. Beautiful camping weather
  2. Kilauea has downgraded aviation warning to Orange…meaning explosive events at the summit aren’t enough where a major explosive event is expected at this point. So yay for that!
  3. MN weather has been wonderful, highs in the low eighties. Today was pretty cool, high of 71 but will be nice and hot all week!
  4. A and G have their first soccer games tonight! Go kids go!
  5. Being home after being away. I appreciate a soft bed and creature comforts in a new way each time I come home. And I’m looking forward to the next trip with Lover and G, hopefully soon!

Little plans and designs

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I enrolled my daughter A in dance at the beginning of the school year. She says she loves it, and it is so fun to see her 6 year old cuteness doing the ballet and tap in practice. My ex husband had no interest- he would not contribute in funds or time, which made it harder, but ultimately since it was something A wanted I was and am still willing to help her do it as long as she wants to. The new schedule for her class is on nights where her dad has her, or on weekends which would require us both to be on board. Hmmmm.

I had this thought at the end of the year, her recital was coming up, maybe her dad would see her in all her cuteness doing her dance to the teddy bear picnic song and melt and suddenly everything would change and she would have two supportive parents! It was foolproof.

The first dance at the recital was the competition team. Older girls, but high school age. Not exactly rap music video level dancing, but not classical ballet either.

Quote from my sister who talked to the ex: “I’m not paying for her to do booty popping, but if she wants to do something else then I’ll help pay”.

So there went that plan. Ok. So what if we picked something else? What does A want? In the past, every suggestion I made to the ex he would shoot down, he didnt want her in any activities. I decided, ok, I’ll pick a new studio that has classes on nights where I have her. Well, options are limited. Either we do some driving and change the work schedule or we circle right back again to dear old dad who doesn’t care if its classical ballet or tap, it’s not happening.

If I try to force something, even if its something she says she wants, the results are inevitably disaster for my alcoholic self. My spiritual program demands I step back, before resentment sets in.

So today, I am surrendering. God, who is the master designer, will either have a class for her if that is his will, or it isn’t the place for her to be. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the search, but I’m not going to approach this with anxiety or force something that will cause stress every week. And I hope A will understand, and theres something else out there for her. I truly believe it will commence as the creator designs it to.

  1. Delicious eggs for breakfast, made by Lover. Over easy, and chopped up in the plate so the yolk is all gooey and Omg I am so hungry now.
  2. Leftover homemade pasta and sauce for lunch, packed lovingly by Lover as I was racing out the door. He is so considerate of my needs and I am so grateful for that
  3. Coffee.. also put into a to go cup by Lover. I didnt get as much sleep as I could have last night and the coffee kept me going. This guy is so amazing!
  4. Bestie Hannah, who I got to talk to on lunch break. Planning our camping trip! So excited for our annual trip!
  5. Getting to see my babies after not seeing them for a whole weekend. 💖

6/15/18

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Friiiiiday!

I’m kinda in a funk though. Woke up so happy to be alive and then reality bitch slapped my face that I was late for work to a job I’m resentful towards, as well as making the ex late for work because I was late dropping J off with him. My time management in the mornings is awful.

My workday has kinda sucked. My supervisor called me out for looking angry in a meeting. I let her know some of my reasons for being unhappy, but while she’s finally ready to hear all the things I’ve been telling her for years I’m just kinda done. I don’t like my attitude, I’d rather be Polly Positive and believe her when she tells me things are going to change, but it’s just not there.

This resentment is kicking my ass. I did an inventory on this but havent done a 5th step yet, so I’m stewing in this and I don’t like it. I also realized how much fear is packed into this today, and it was like a key clicked in the lock and unlocked the truth.

The truth that all my resentment in this job is based in fear. Fear I won’t get what I want (such as my way of doing things. Not my bosses way-my way). I need to get it out before I do something dumb, like quit my job, carry the resentment into other relationships, or, if it goes too far, drinking over it. I plan to call someone tomorrow, I cant live like this.

It’s a funny thing, my supervisor finally appears to be moving in the directions I’ve been recommending for 3 years, and I’m so resentful I can’t enjoy it. Typical alcoholic right here.

******

Soon I’ll get to see Lover and go share in the joy of the Grooms dinner we are attending for his friend.

I love weddings.

I see how happy the bride and groom are, and its contagious. I get all teary sometimes too. Love is so beautiful.

  1. Waking up in Lovers arms
  2. Dress weather…its finally been warm enough, and I’ve worn a dress every day this week.
  3. Spending lunch outside in the sun reading a book
  4. Found the eyeliner I lost 2 weeks ago!
  5. Its Friday, and loooove is in the air

    • 6/5

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    My back hurts. But in a good way. I think?

    I’ve been a-walkin. Got 6 miles in on Sunday with a 2 1/2 hour jaunt Lover and I did on an attempt to walk to the store for vanilla ice cream that turned into walking to a different store further away and buying puzzles and caramel ice cream. (It all worked out)

    I’ve also been walking on all my lunch breaks and trying to not eat sugar. I’m positively murderous today. (Well, I was until I went to someone else’s office at work and raided the candy dish, effectively erasing the good the walk did.)

    Anyway, the ache in my lower back from doing daily mile walks in flip flops (it’s hot out) feels good. Because its exercise. It’s getting out of the office and breathing in fresh air and sunlight.

    ****

    I’m still following the Kilauea eruption closely. Sadly, no more media calls for me, but emailed updates today let me know the lava has crossed into the park Lover and I went to for the warm springs/tidepools. I think they’re actually gone. Like wiped off the planet. It’s a strange feeling. The entire geographic map of that part of the island will now be different. Kapoho Bay is now in a different shape because lava is creating new land mass. (USGS highly recommends not walking on it yet as it is highly unstable)

    Nature is powerful, and mesmerizing in its beauty.

    1. Coffee.

    2. Lunch that I stole from Lover. (I’m sorry!) Delicious grilled chicken and zucchini left over from last night.

    3. Summer. Warmth. Sun! Finally this is a place I like to be once more.

    4. Lilacs are still blooming, and smell so good

    5. I have a job. Still the same one I’ve been working, but I just need to take a moment and appreciate that I have a job when other people are out of work and express a little gratitude.

    Kilauea

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    I am following the eruption at Kilauea very closely. It is just a few miles from where we stayed just a few months ago, and two of the lovely people we met and kept in touch with from the meeting there have been displaced by the eruption.
    I feel rather personal about it as a result…some of the streets we drove on are now covered in lava. My friends are having trouble breathing because of ash and gases.

    I had the privilege of being in a news briefing from USGS yesterday on the eruption, and thought I’d share with you the HOT news.

    This volcano’s not done yet. There is a steady decrease in lava in the lake at the summit, that lava is building elsewhere. Picture your kitchen sink drain. Its full in the basin, but you pull the plug and it drains down the pipe. But instead
    of draining down to the sewer, it just moves towards the bathroom. Some of it is coming up the drain in the bathtub, but pressure is building and it will likely explode.

    The other piece with this lava lake, is that rocks are falling into the lava pit, and are exploding back up into the air. When the lava goes down far enough, water will flow over the lava and create steam. The rocks from the unsupported
    walls fall into the steam, and a pressure seal builds and then 4 ton boulders are flying half a mile away. Pebbles will be raining for miles. We aren’t talking smooth soft shiny pebbles either, these pebbles are sharp and pointy and can cut the shit out of
    you before you even know you’ve been cut. Volcanic rock is no joke. Anyway, USGS is saying this point could be reached as soon as next week, but they can’t predict when it will happen.

    Outside of the shelters that are currently in place, there are not many resources for those displaced from the volcano. About 1800 people right now have been evacuated, and as of now, 26 homes are destroyed. Most, if not all of those homes
    were uninsured, so those people have literally lost everything. And USGS says there are counselors, but not much else for resources. I am wondering how those people are going to find new housing. There is some food for the displaced persons, but I don’t think
    there’s a lot of help going on over there right now. People will need places to live, and who knows what that will look like.

    My information comes from the news briefing from USGS at 11AM HST on May 9th. I’m hoping I can get on the next call, so we will see if I can get more information on this.

    Ash plume rises above Pu‘u ‘Ō‘ō, May 3rd 2018