Struggles

Parenting struggles tonight, guys.

It’s real.

When your kid tells you they’d be happy if their sibling died it’s hard to hear or understand. I mean, they play together? They are all fun and cute and sometimes fight but something is very wrong for A to feel like that.

Fast forward through to bedtime. I tell A to put her jammies on, that she needs to be on the couch, with her book ready to read by the time I’m done getting J ready and done with reading to J. Shes got plenty of time, but she struggles with it. She and Lover end up in a negotiation over earning the jammies she wants at the store. Shes running out of time, and I warn her.

Then she runs out of time. Shes walking up in her jammies as I’m getting up to put J down. I’m firm, she was warned. She cries, she wants her story. J got her story, why cant I have mine?

I put them to bed, its meltdown city in there. Everyone is crying. I’m frustrated. If I give an inch she takes a mile and suddenly we are 35 minutes past bedtime and the morning is already a harder struggle.

Lover reminds me of her comment earlier, and that he can totally see why she hates her sister. Because J listens and A gets distracted A feels like the bad kid. And the bad kid always plays the role of the bad kid. A needs to feel loved and accepted and I dont know how to love her the way she wants to be loved. I dont even know what that is, I just know everything I do is wrong. And I feel like like theres a wall between me and her now and I cant get through. Shes 7. Where did I go wrong? When did it happen? Can it be fixed?

I have no answers.

1. The sunrise was beautiful

2. I did yoga at work on lunch and it felt amazing

3. Lover cooked me a most delicious and wonderful breakfast of eggs bacon and toast. I feel loved and taken care of

4. I have Lover to tell me the truth, even if it’s hard to hear he speaks from love and that is precious to me.

5. I love my babies so much and they are fun beautiful little people.

Crankypants

Some serious shits gone down since last we spoke.

Lover and I made the move happen…we are now in a new apartment. At the time, that caused me an unbelievable amount of stress. I was also feeling alot of old emotional pain…old. Maybe childhood, I dont know.

Then we went to Oregon. It was amazing. So beautiful, and relaxing. We had a great time.

We came back, and I had a hard time of it for a while. I was way out of balance, feeling overwhelmed, in emotional pain, and suddenly I didnt know how to take care of myself. How to unwind or relax.

I ended up creating a schedule for myself that met my needs and things are better.

I feel a bit guilty for not writing during this time. Doing daily positivity would have helped me immensely and I didnt do it until a friend started a daily gratitude text group and included me.

Then I felt way better.

And I remembered this space…my positively positive space to be in pain and still find all the positives in my life.

Its beautiful, and I’m still here.

1. Morning meditation…

2. Hot shower

3. Sweet sweet coffee

4. Waking up with Lover in the morning

5. Seeing my girls this evening.

Bonus round….Lover has a muscle injury, and has to ice his groin. Instead of getting upset about him having a cold lap, I reminded him the cold is good for his “production zone”. Positivity all around!

The Unexpected

Plot twist – my lovely little apartment that Lover and I have made a home with our children has been found covered in mold and we have to move out.

So that’s exciting.

We have just a couple weeks to find a new place and move all the stuff out. Which stressed me out to incredible levels, until Lover suggested moving to a desirable part of town. Instantly, my attitude changed. Suddenly, instead of this huge wide open scary thing, there was a mission, a goal that wasnt just necessary but also exciting.

Incidentally, this is also the area I grew up in. (They say you cant go home, but, here we go!)

So I’m going to go look at 3 apartments tonight after work. I feel good about this. These were the first 3 I called, and the only 3 that answered the phone/had availability/ weren’t senior living/had openings on the dates needed.

I’m hoping for the best, that one of these spots is the right one. I feel confident after praying that God will show us the way, and Lover and I will have the best possible place to live.

I’ll keep you posted!

  1. The trees are changing color…its beautiful
  2. Lover made me the best coffee ever this morning. Thank you!!
  3. Delicious leftover meatloaf for lunch…I was naughty and drank a coke with it. So good though!
  4. I’ve been really productive at work today, figuring things out and getting it done!
  5. It’s so nice out…I’m sitting outside on my break and its warm and perfect out.

Learning

I have been swallowed by life it seems. The past month has been a blur of my new job plus making the most of my time with children and Lover, but I havent made much time for friends or music.

This disappoints me.

I gave up kickball this season too. It just felt like another demand on my time that I just didnt have right now.

All this frightens me.

It’s so easy for me to make exceptions for the rules of my meetings and friends. And then the exceptions become the rules and I’m out of balance and spiritually sick.

The only answer, is to show up again. But since I missed my Monday meeting this week, I’ll maybe get a Wednesday meeting in and make sure I get there this coming Monday. I’m going to meet my sponsee. Call my friends to say hi. And pray for the knowledge of Gods will and the power to carry it out. But not in that order.

1. I got up this morning and showered. This was good for everyone.

2. I found paperwork relating to a job-thing I’ve been trying to figure out and it was super helpful.

3. Free tacos for lunch! Lover packed me a delicious lunch but right as I was about to go a coworker grabbed me for a potluck I didnt know about and I got to have taco bar instead. I’m looking forward to the lentils tomorrow though! He made me soup from scratch last night and while he doesn’t think so, it is freaking delicious.

4. Having a lovely night with the girls. They were pretty well behaved, and I got to play a couple games of checkers with A. She stalemated me for one of the games! I’m impressed.

5. Going to bed early. I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open anymore.

Also, here is a picture of me eating the toast Lover made for me when I was running late to work the other day. He’s the absolute best.

Little plans and designs

I enrolled my daughter A in dance at the beginning of the school year. She says she loves it, and it is so fun to see her 6 year old cuteness doing the ballet and tap in practice. My ex husband had no interest- he would not contribute in funds or time, which made it harder, but ultimately since it was something A wanted I was and am still willing to help her do it as long as she wants to. The new schedule for her class is on nights where her dad has her, or on weekends which would require us both to be on board. Hmmmm.

I had this thought at the end of the year, her recital was coming up, maybe her dad would see her in all her cuteness doing her dance to the teddy bear picnic song and melt and suddenly everything would change and she would have two supportive parents! It was foolproof.

The first dance at the recital was the competition team. Older girls, but high school age. Not exactly rap music video level dancing, but not classical ballet either.

Quote from my sister who talked to the ex: “I’m not paying for her to do booty popping, but if she wants to do something else then I’ll help pay”.

So there went that plan. Ok. So what if we picked something else? What does A want? In the past, every suggestion I made to the ex he would shoot down, he didnt want her in any activities. I decided, ok, I’ll pick a new studio that has classes on nights where I have her. Well, options are limited. Either we do some driving and change the work schedule or we circle right back again to dear old dad who doesn’t care if its classical ballet or tap, it’s not happening.

If I try to force something, even if its something she says she wants, the results are inevitably disaster for my alcoholic self. My spiritual program demands I step back, before resentment sets in.

So today, I am surrendering. God, who is the master designer, will either have a class for her if that is his will, or it isn’t the place for her to be. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up the search, but I’m not going to approach this with anxiety or force something that will cause stress every week. And I hope A will understand, and theres something else out there for her. I truly believe it will commence as the creator designs it to.

  1. Delicious eggs for breakfast, made by Lover. Over easy, and chopped up in the plate so the yolk is all gooey and Omg I am so hungry now.
  2. Leftover homemade pasta and sauce for lunch, packed lovingly by Lover as I was racing out the door. He is so considerate of my needs and I am so grateful for that
  3. Coffee.. also put into a to go cup by Lover. I didnt get as much sleep as I could have last night and the coffee kept me going. This guy is so amazing!
  4. Bestie Hannah, who I got to talk to on lunch break. Planning our camping trip! So excited for our annual trip!
  5. Getting to see my babies after not seeing them for a whole weekend. 💖

6/15/18

Friiiiiday!

I’m kinda in a funk though. Woke up so happy to be alive and then reality bitch slapped my face that I was late for work to a job I’m resentful towards, as well as making the ex late for work because I was late dropping J off with him. My time management in the mornings is awful.

My workday has kinda sucked. My supervisor called me out for looking angry in a meeting. I let her know some of my reasons for being unhappy, but while she’s finally ready to hear all the things I’ve been telling her for years I’m just kinda done. I don’t like my attitude, I’d rather be Polly Positive and believe her when she tells me things are going to change, but it’s just not there.

This resentment is kicking my ass. I did an inventory on this but havent done a 5th step yet, so I’m stewing in this and I don’t like it. I also realized how much fear is packed into this today, and it was like a key clicked in the lock and unlocked the truth.

The truth that all my resentment in this job is based in fear. Fear I won’t get what I want (such as my way of doing things. Not my bosses way-my way). I need to get it out before I do something dumb, like quit my job, carry the resentment into other relationships, or, if it goes too far, drinking over it. I plan to call someone tomorrow, I cant live like this.

It’s a funny thing, my supervisor finally appears to be moving in the directions I’ve been recommending for 3 years, and I’m so resentful I can’t enjoy it. Typical alcoholic right here.

******

Soon I’ll get to see Lover and go share in the joy of the Grooms dinner we are attending for his friend.

I love weddings.

I see how happy the bride and groom are, and its contagious. I get all teary sometimes too. Love is so beautiful.

  1. Waking up in Lovers arms
  2. Dress weather…its finally been warm enough, and I’ve worn a dress every day this week.
  3. Spending lunch outside in the sun reading a book
  4. Found the eyeliner I lost 2 weeks ago!
  5. Its Friday, and loooove is in the air
  • Math

    Just thought I’d share with you all, that after blood, sweat, and tears I have completed my math course.

    So many tears.

    But I got an A! Thanks to Lover’s love, support and tutoring skills I learned things, and came out the other side. I may actually enjoy math too.

    If you havent followed along, this is huge for me. I struggled with math all through high school. Every year I got left behind and so frustrated and angry. I carried alot of resentment towards math.

    It has been a looming threat since I started taking classes that at some point, math would have to happen. And it all lined up last year- I felt strongly that God was pointing me to take this class. I was so afraid.

    Here I am now. On the other side and while I know I cried and banged my head literally on the kitchen table I feel astonished that it’s over, and I got an A. So much fear held me back. Fear that kept me from doing something I was afraid I wasnt capable of. I am so proud of myself for doing it. For giving myself the chance to fail and facing that fear. I feel like I am capable of so much more now. I kind of want to find my limits.

    1. Obviously, getting an A! In MATH!
    2. Scrambled eggs with some salsa for breakfast
    3. Playing piano on my lunch break.
    4. Seeing my girls after they’ve been at their dads. So good.
    5. Going home soon and will see Lover when he gets home.

    Appreciation

    Lately we’ve been listening to a meditation entitled “abundance”. I don’t recall much about it, as it plays while we’re falling asleep but I have it on the brain today.

    So full. My life is abundant.

    Yesterday I studied math in the sunshine, went for a run, studied in the sun while Lover grilled a delicious dinner, went to a meeting. It was so great.

    Even more so because I normally don’t run unless, kickball. (Holy SHIT do I hurt today)

    On the way to the meeting last night, we stumbled onto a radio interview with a former baseball player who now does some sort of counseling/life coaching. He was talking about appreciation. It was really interesting, he said something to the effect of “no one ever comes up to me after a talk and says, ‘I’m so over appreciated’.” He said theres a chemical reaction in the brain that happens when we give verbal appreciation to another person, and also that marriages without mutual appreciation fail.

    It made me think about my relationship with Lover. Something we talk about is recognizing and speaking our gratitude and appreciation for each other. How good it feels to hear it. And how it is heartfelt when its said. (So many warm fuzzies right now)

    I was also thinking of this today when emailing a colleague to ask her to stop copying myself and others on her approval emails. I threw in a paragraph about how much I appreciate her prompt approvals for her orders, and it makes my job easier that she does it. She responded that I made her day. Something so simple as telling her the truth about how I appreciate her work made her day. Which in turn, made mine.

    1. Grapes. Omg…my boss brought in these juicy red grapes and they are so good!
    2. A fantastic GI doctor. We made a plan for treating my stomach stuff that is homeopathic and unique to me. I’m excited, and feel really good about it. Plus. She’s just cool and I enjoy talking to her.
    3. Sexistential Crisis, by Battle Toys. I got a prerelease of their new music and have been enjoying it all morning. I think that song is my favorite so far.
    4. Seeing my girls tonight after a long weekend without them. I miss my girls.
    5. An amazing breakfast from Lover, cooked for me, and eaten while discussing Nothing Compares 2 U. My breakfasts with him make me so happy, and it’s so hard to leave for work. The best part of my day so far.

    Now, please enjoy this artwork my two year old did on my phone. I think its great.

    Day 61

    Today is my 61st day without a cigarette. I’m still getting urges here and there, but it’s not so bad. I see smokers now, and think with surprise oh hey, I used to do that!

    I’ve been playing alot of chess lately. I’ve beaten a few online opponents on the app I’m using. I’ve mostly been playing against Lover, who has now beaten me 26 times but I’m getting better…I’m going to beat him soon. I’m also going to ask him to write a guest post as well soon. He has a theory on chess as it relates to life in recovery that is fascinating. I’m hoping he’ll be willing to share it, but of course…he can write about whatever he wants

    1. A gym membership! I actually got it a couple weeks ago (thank you Lover) but its helping my seasonal moods by giving me the exercise my body is craving. I feel sore and wonderful simultaneously.

    2. Pho for lunch today. Mmmm…

    3. Booked a camping adventure with Hannah and my sister in a few months. Hopefully winter will be over in July and we can maybe hike without snow boots. In any case I’m excited…its so fun with them.

    4. A delicious cup of root beer, freely provided by customer appreciation at work. So good it’s bad.

    5. Getting to see my girls tonight after work. I haven’t seen them all weekend, and I miss them very much.

    Also, bonus round…i got an A on my math test yesterday! Oh yeah!

    Abundance

    I’m sitting in a room, listening to a motivational speaker talking about resilience mindsets. She asks us to close our eyes, and envision our perfect day.

    I put aside my math homework (because let’s be honest, I wasn’t paying attention for the first hour and a half) and close my eyes.

    My perfect day…I’ve had so many recently, this is easy.

    I’m with Lover, and all three kids. We wake up on a weekend, have breakfast. We take our time getting ready. We go to the St. Patrick’s day parade, then to the store for dinner food. We eat a nice meal together. It’s nice out, we take the kids to the park and run and play. We come home, we bathe the kids who are covered in mud, make popcorn and watch the Princess Bride as a family. So much love and happiness surround us.

    This is it…life. It’s so good.

    ****

    Lately, my job has been awful. I’m not going to go into details, but I’m crying at my desk or ready to punch something or walk out half the time. Its not good.

    Yesterday a couple things happened. Someone I know took a job in the same company I work for, and was asking me questions about insurance plans and benefits. She is so excited- the benefits are really great. She kept saying how much better they are here than what she’s used to.

    She’s absolutely right. The benefits are really good, and better than I’d get outside my company.

    The other thing that happened, was a coworker from another department came up to talk to me and my boss about issues with her department that will affect us in our department. There’s a supervisor that overspent her budget, is extremely hostile to her assistant, and is setting the assistant up to take the fall for her spending. And I’m thinking to myself, it could be so much worse-I could be working in that environment.

    So, today has a theme- job positivity!

    1. I have great coworkers. Really. I complain sometimes about so-and-so not doing this or that, but we do care about each other and I truly like them as wonderful humans and maybe even friends.
    2. Great benefits. I have good insurance and retirement. A few people I know don’t have that and I’m grateful for it.
    3. I make enough money. A liveable wage. I’m living close to the edge, but not so close I cant go out to dinner every so often.
    4. I live close enough to my work, and daycare is on the way that I don’t have a huge commute. It’s well located as far as my kids go.
    5. My workplace is very encouraging of higher education, and has paid for me to take classes that aren’t job related. This is an amazing benefit.

    I may have a really hard time of it sometimes, but remembering the really good stuff makes it easier to get through it.