I am so blessed and happy at this point in my life. Today has barely started but is already so full. Lover and I are on our way back to Mn from Hawai’i- a harsh cold and reality of daily life await but strangely I’m not sad. I love Hawai’i. It’s a place I could easily see myself living. But my life is lived where I am…which is currently en route via multiple layovers. Last night I went to sleep on a plane taking off in a storm, terrified to the point of almost vomiting. More turbulence than I’m comfortable with FOR SURE but I had a warm hand to hold and the knowledge if it was my time then I’d go happy. And I’m good with going out like that. Happy, that is. Plane crash…not so much. In any case, we survived and landed at the first layover tired and sore and happy. I can’t speak for him, but for me…just incredibly happy I’m where I am with him. And that life gets to continue in the every day with him in it. (Maaaan… if you only knew how okay I am with how cheesy I sound) Just the simple adventure of being in the same place as the man I love. Today is so special already for the experience I’ve had so far and the adventure I anticipate on the next layover. Happy Valentine’s day to you all. 1. I didn’t die 2. The LA airport is nowhere near as crazy as I thought it would be…but we did land at 5am so there’s that 3. Coffee. I got all sorts of jacked and bounced around the airport for an hour or so. So fun. 4. A delicious breakfast 5. A possible beach on my next layover. Anything could happen. Chaos theory comes to mind, but in a good way. (God I wish Jeff Goldblum was on my flight. I’ve been making so many Jurassic park references lately. Have I mentioned I love dinosaurs?)
One of the things I remember most about the movie Lilo and Stitch is them talking about ohana…which means family. I found myself tonight at an AA meeting on the big island of Hawai’i by this name. (Yes, there is a good reason I haven’t posted much haha). Lover and I met some wonderful people at another meeting here, and they told us about the Ohana meeting. It’s an “eating meeting”, we’re told. “Come eat some Hawaiian food.” Sold. We came to the island on a private retreat, to a wellness center. There’s only one place to smoke in the area, everything else is off limits. Me, being the dirty dirty smoker goes off to find that area on the first day…only to find that the majority of those there are smoking the devil’s lettuce. Ok fine. I hang to the outer area, not really talking to anyone. Then I go back several hours later. More people are there this time, and it’s not tobacco in the pipe. They’re much friendlier, and tried to pass to me. Lover showed up right after this, and they tried to pass to him as well. There’s a part in the Big Book where it talks about only being around alcohol if you have a good reason to be there. Lover tells me he doesn’t- he doesn’t smoke so he will no longer join me at the tent. My wheels start turning. Do I have a good reason to be there? Is my nasty cigarette addiction reason enough for me to put my sobriety in jeopardy every time I need a smoke? I brought a long a bunch of nicotine patches for the plane rides, I have enough for the duration of the trip. So I did it. Three days without a single cigarette, and it’s fucking hard. Yes, I’m on the patch. Yes it’s worth it to not be around all the Mary Jane. However I feel like I’ve been in an anxiety attack for the last 24 hours. And that, brings me to the meeting. The anxiety has been building over the last day…it started surfacing about an hour or two before the meeting. We get there, grab some coffee, and sit. I sip my coffee, looking longingly towards the door where I know other sober folk are out smoking. They’d give me a smoke. Then relief hits. Something relaxed inside. I’m home. I’m with my people. AA is where I can walk into the room of strangers and everyone knows me and I know them. It didn’t really hit me until after I left tonight that the meeting name, Ohana means family. Those are my family. I’m still a basket case, I cried some on the drive back to the resort. I might smoke tomorrow. I make no promises. But today, tonight I’m sober and tobacco free. And my family was there giving me hugs and telling me they understood.
In Minnesota, any day above freezing there are lines at every car wash in town, as everyone races to wash all the salt and dirt from their vehicles before it freezes again. It’s like a gas rush, but with the car wash.
I’ve got three sleeping children in my car, listening to Yours by Now Now. I love this song. It just feels so good every time I hear it.
One car moves forward…5 more to go
We just got back from sledding. I decided that letting the kids sleep a bit before waking them up was a smart decision. I’m hoping they’re worn out from fresh air and exercise. We met Lover and his son at the hill, and probably got in an hour and twenty minutes before someone got bitten and I decided we were calling it a day.
Four cars left before it’s my turn. The suspense is killing me.
Here’s some positivity for your viewing pleasure.
1. Slept in til 7am. This is good for a weekend with the kids. J could have been up at 530. I’m totally good with 7.
2. Had coffee with sister #2 before she went to work. That was really nice.
3. Got a lovely breakfast of eggs, sausage and toast.
4. Sledding with Lover and all the kids. It’s pretty warm out for MN in the winter so this was just what I needed.
3 cars to go
5. So many things to choose from. I have all sorts of food in my fridge, with options all over for dinner. Two happy healthy little girls who are sleeping peacefully along with my nephew. A new vacuum cleaner to test drive at home. Today is pretty amazing.
Oh the vacuum cleaner. Funny story about that.
So A decided to vacuum the other day. I’m so happy and proud, my kid wants to clean?! This is great! I have her pick up the floor, looks good, she starts vacuuming, I’m damn near in tears I’m so proud of her and then…
The magic smoke comes out and it’s making a noise like a strangled cat.
1 car to go
So I asked Lover to take a look at it, and the motor is literally starting on fire every time I turn it on. Apparently some idiot zip tied pieces of the motor, it got overloaded and started on fire. Who designs something like that? So he pulls off the melted plastic, has me plug it in to see if it’ll work (mind you, it’s all taken apart on the floor) and blue fire is leaping out of it. Yep. Game over. I bought a new one. That’ll teach me to keep the paperwork for the warranty too.
“Did you get the song I sent you?” I asked.
“Yeah. So I’m on your mind, am I?”
“So you have feelings for me?”
“Yes” I responded uncomfortably. A moment passed. Another conversation started. I broke in. “Is it returned?”
“The feelings. Are they returned?” My voice cracked. I’m terrified of the response.
” What do you mean, are they returned? Of course they are. How do you not see it?”
“I don’t know! I guess I was trying not to read into anything.”
A couple hours later, he calls me back. He says his mind is on fire. It’s bothering him that I didn’t know he had feelings for me. He comes over. My children are sleeping, so I meet him outside. We hold each other for a little while.
“So, you know what I think?”
“What?” I ask dreamily
“I think you’re falling in love with me.”
I’m shocked. I stop, and twist up to look at him. “That’s not fair!” I sputter.
” Is it true? He asks with a little smile. He starts backing me up towards my car while holding me.
“Yes” I say reluctantly. I’m backed up against my car. He’s kissing me. I pull back.
“Do you feel the same way? You just left me hanging here. I feel incredibly vulnerable right now.” I’m upset. I feel more vulnerable with him than I’ve ever felt before. I just admitted something I was only aware of a few days before and he just called me out and gave me nothing in return.
He sighs. “I’ve been falling in love with you for a long time.”
Relief, then emotion floods through. We’re kissing, and then moving across the grass. The moon is full, and he lifts me and we’re laughing and kissing and dancing through the yard. At some point we stop, he’s behind me with his arms around me, and we’re looking at the moon.
“I feel like I’m still falling. Like I’ve been falling for some time and I don’t know how far or deep this is going to go.” I say.
“Me too.” He responds. We stand there for a while. Just experiencing the whole of it.
At some point he leaves. Neither of us want to part, but he can’t stay the night. I feel like I’m in a dream. I lie awake for hours thinking about every detail. Did this really happen? Could I have imagined the whole thing?
The next morning, I see two sets of footprints all over the grass. ♡