Lost and Distracted

At this exact moment, I’m feeling hollow, slightly headachy, and my eyes are burning. There is pain in my chest, and a deep, deep sadness.

No, Lover and I did not break up. But we are fighting. Fighting a lot.

It seems that we cannot disagree on anything without one of us getting hurt by what the other person said, or how they said it. The hurt person lashes out, or shuts down and the (usually unaware) offending person then reacts to what seems to be an unprovoked attack.

And it spirals out of control pretty quickly. Something as simple as disagreeing on how the living room should be arranged or a choice in music becomes about something completely different, it becomes about feeling attacked. It becomes about fear, of abandonment or not being understood. Fear of being not valid for having the feelings. Fear of being accused.

Feeding into these cycles are however many years of each individual being attacked by other people, of being told you are unimportant by previous relationships and feelings weren’t considered. We know this, we know these things are coming out of the past like lonely monsters that will consume our happiness until there is nothing left but fear and agony. And we are still powerless to stop it in its greed to consume us, in these endless fights for love we are exhausting ourselves. We forget how happy we are together and fear of being unloved, misunderstood, and left to be alone forever by the person we trust the most takes over. We lash out in fear and drive away what we want to be closer to.

I love him so much.

He loves me.

Why can’t I stop reacting like this? Why do I have unstoppable physical reactions to certain things that are said? I want to stop!

I am worthy of love. I deserve happiness after a lifetime of pain. So does he. He is worthy of my love, and I want to build a lifetime of happiness, and be able to resolve disagreements quickly without taking it personally if there is a misunderstanding. I think we can.

I’m here. And I’m not giving up.

1. Spring is finally arriving, and I had a most wonderful date last night with Lover and our bicycles.
2. Lover made me coffee and toast this morning, because he loves me and I was in a hurry he didn’t want me to leave without my coffee and breakfast.
3. I have a fantastic job to go to, where I am valued as an employee and feel respected.
4. I am sipping on a lovely cup of tea.
5. There are two sweet, amazing little girls I get to see tonight and read stories to and hug squirming small people who squeal and laugh and bring so much joy to our lives.