Most of my life, I’ve lied through my teeth when people ask me if I’m okay. Yep, I’m good. I got it. I’m fine. But really, I wasn’t okay and I couldnt admit it to myself because I was living from crisis to crisis and people depended on me so therefore I must take on more problems and manage it. That was what I thought I had to do to survive. And as a kid, I did. I took on a lot of parenting roles because my family was dysfunctional and as a kid I thought that maybe I could fix my family and fill the hole if I did enough. And it wasnt enough so I tried harder. And then I used drugs and alcohol to cope and engaged in my own abandonment.
Fast forward to mid-thirties Lynn who attends ACA meetings and did her 4th and 5th step and holy crap. I finally got relief.
So here I am, today, able to finally admit how I feel, to myself and to others, to feel it, and let the feeling pass.
Three years ago, I found the Future Islands playing on the Current, and found their album The Far Field at a used cd place a few weeks later (gah I’m so old). This would have been close to the time I started this blog, and shortly after I began to date Lover. It became the soundtrack to my new life, and was able to express the haunted feelings I knew but couldnt say. I’ve listened to the song Ran hundreds of times over and over.
I listened to the album again tonight, as I was cooking dinner. Yet again, the passion the singer brings to the songs and the lyrics soothes the powerless inner child who is bawling.
I’m so grateful for that today. I’m grateful for the power of music that gave my feelings a voice before I could do what I needed to do to claim my voice.
I hope they play shows again someday. I’d love to see them live.
- Working from home is a luxury I hope I don’t have to give up anytime soon.
- Sparkling water. Love.
- Lover, giving me an ear, and loving me. I love him so much.
- My two birth children and bonus child.. they hung the stars and moon and the earth would stop spinning without them.
- The Future Islands.