Struggles

Parenting struggles tonight, guys.

It’s real.

When your kid tells you they’d be happy if their sibling died it’s hard to hear or understand. I mean, they play together? They are all fun and cute and sometimes fight but something is very wrong for A to feel like that.

Fast forward through to bedtime. I tell A to put her jammies on, that she needs to be on the couch, with her book ready to read by the time I’m done getting J ready and done with reading to J. Shes got plenty of time, but she struggles with it. She and Lover end up in a negotiation over earning the jammies she wants at the store. Shes running out of time, and I warn her.

Then she runs out of time. Shes walking up in her jammies as I’m getting up to put J down. I’m firm, she was warned. She cries, she wants her story. J got her story, why cant I have mine?

I put them to bed, its meltdown city in there. Everyone is crying. I’m frustrated. If I give an inch she takes a mile and suddenly we are 35 minutes past bedtime and the morning is already a harder struggle.

Lover reminds me of her comment earlier, and that he can totally see why she hates her sister. Because J listens and A gets distracted A feels like the bad kid. And the bad kid always plays the role of the bad kid. A needs to feel loved and accepted and I dont know how to love her the way she wants to be loved. I dont even know what that is, I just know everything I do is wrong. And I feel like like theres a wall between me and her now and I cant get through. Shes 7. Where did I go wrong? When did it happen? Can it be fixed?

I have no answers.

1. The sunrise was beautiful

2. I did yoga at work on lunch and it felt amazing

3. Lover cooked me a most delicious and wonderful breakfast of eggs bacon and toast. I feel loved and taken care of

4. I have Lover to tell me the truth, even if it’s hard to hear he speaks from love and that is precious to me.

5. I love my babies so much and they are fun beautiful little people.