The struggles

The saga of a pair of people who cannot get along, two children, and the court battles that ensue.

I dont even know where to begin.

A year and some months ago, communication broke down with the ex. A miscommunication occurred, and suddenly it was email only communication. Which, could be okay if both parties communicate well in written form, but he would be unresponsive when I needed answers about parenting.

The issues accumulated.

The emails went from unresponsive to nasty. Issues were not being addressed. I got my lawyer involved, and filed for full legal custody, because if you cannot get responses on discussing where your child is going to summer program, school, or drop off/pick up times parenting becomes a nightmare.

We are ordered to mediation. Court is delayed three times while he deliberated on the mediator. We go to mediation, he refuses to negotiate. His way or no way. The mediator advises me to proceed with caution. Men like him she says, I need to win decisively against or he could become emboldened by his own perceived win. I know my case isnt as strong as I’d like, but move forward anyway.

A week before court, he submits affidavits that I am possibly drinking again. I’m a train wreck, will the judge listen to that? He claims I am neglecting the kids by sending them to school in torn, ripped dirty clothes. He is deflecting from his own neglect by making up stories. I am sick with worry, Lover and the lawyer tell me hes crazy, has no proof but how do I know the judge wont listen to his lies?

We go to court. The judge is angry we cannot get along, and after hours of negotiations come up with a deal. I do not get full legal, but agree to a better parenting schedule, a holiday schedule (which previously we didnt have), a parenting consultant, all communication to go through an app the judge can access, and a conflict resolution class. My lawyer says he will draw up the order for the parent consultant, his lawyer says he will draw up the rest for the judge to sign.

3 weeks go by, nothing from his lawyer. I become concerned. My lawyer tries to reach his, his lawyer is “abroad” and will get back to us.

Seven weeks past court, and my lawyer finally contacts the judge. The judge is concerned, demands to know what is going on.

The next day his lawyer responds. My ex has fired him, and he is no longer responsible he says. So now my lawyer contacts the court clerk to get a transcript of the agreement. Well, the holiday schedule is not in it. My lawyer drafts the main part, but my ex hasn’t signed the parenting consultant contract or taken the conflict resolution class. So, another court date is set.

Meanwhile, communication is poor. It is going through the app, but he continues to insult me. We should be using the parenting consultant but he hasnt signed the contract. I take the class. The instructor discusses how frequently cases like mine end up costing hundreds of thousands of dollars in court fees as parents are so locked in hatred and fear and how badly the children suffer.

I dont want my kids to suffer.

I also don’t want to be controlled. He controlled me when we were married, I want control now.

Where is the line between a compromise that is helpful to kids and cowing to a dictator?

Court, round two is Friday. My lawyer assures me I am in a very good position to get….what? I get to have the court force him to take a class he us unlikely to do anything with, hire a parenting consultant who he will challenge, and pay my legal fees to sign off on something that should have been signed four months ago? And all to communicate with the co parent.

It feels so stupid. Locked in a cycle of perpetuity. Completely fucking ridiculous!

Heres to hoping Friday goes well…

  1. Had a lovely meditation with J and Lover this morning. We all snuggled in a warm little nest on the couch and overslept. It was amazing.
  2. Coffee, courtesy of Lover. He makes the best coffee.
  3. I get to go to my new service commitment tonight, bringing a meeting to a treatment center. I love this, I feel so good when I leave there.
  4. Left work early today to have some peaceful me time, and write up a blog post several months overdue (sorry guys!)
  5. I am grateful for all the love and support from Lover over the last year. Being a supportive and loving partner to me cannot be easy and he does it with such love and grace.
  6. I’m grateful for my kids. Ultimately they are worth all the stress I go through and I wouldn’t trade them for a stress free life. Not ever.

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