Day 78

I started writing a post yesterday and never finished it. I deleted the whole thing. I feel like yesterday’s positives are gone. In retrospect I shouldn’t have done that, but I did.

It’s been an epic parenting disaster. I’m short on sleep, didn’t eat dinner last night, forgot my nicotine patch. J is teething more and not sleeping plus shrieking bloody murder at all hours of the night and day. A is having multiple meltdowns, physically assaulting me and having migraines. Plus, not listening and doing what she’s told, i.e. getting dressed.

I feel like the worst mom ever. I’m yelling  at both kids, irritable for many reasons, anxiety about being late for work. Lost my temper several times. Not enough hugs and kisses to soothe my girls. I realized I never read the books I promised to read to A last night before bed.

Leaving your child at daycare when they are crying and clinging to you is awful. Knowing you won’t see them again for another day makes it worse. I’m heartbroken right now. I wanted to turn around on the freeway and go back for one more hug for my baby girl. But I didn’t. And I was a half hour late to work anyway, smoking cigarettes that don’t taste good anymore. Exhausted and hungry. Hating the parts of my job I have to do today. Wanting to cry.

1. I did get up, and got to work. Better late than never. 

2. I showered. This was good.

3. Found out some things about someone I dated in the past that made me feel like I dodged a bullet. Literally. I feel like God is looking out for me in a major way.

4. I have plans tonight and tomorrow I’m looking forward to. 

5. Coffee and red bull are my friends.

Tomorrow will be a new day, hopefully full of kisses and snuggles with my little people. I’d really like to have a few good days with them.