Day 58

I’m grieving today. 

It kind of hit me today, that the door for purchasing a home is closing. Or maybe it was always closed and I fooled myself by twisting the doorknob. 

It seemed like it was all lining up, I was approved for a loan back in June. I had a realtor, there were houses I could afford. I even looked at a few, and put an offer on one. All that needed to happen was for the judge to sign those papers.

Then my realtor got nervous. Said if we didn’t close on time we could be fined, so let’s please wait til it’s all finalized. I was disappointed but I understood. And it was a good call, this could be drawn out for a while. I wanted a house so badly. But I could wait.

Now there is nothing even close to my price range to buy. Lord only knows how long until the paperwork is signed, and what then? I’m not sure I can even truly afford what’s in my price range. But I’m finding lots of extremely affordable apartments in the areas I want. I prayed for direction, is that where it’s going right now? So I made appointments to look at two places. No decision right now, but I feel like it’s already been made. It hurts, I wanted a house of my own and a garden so badly. And its not like I can’t buy next year. I will probably do that. It’s just that one more thing that I had put so much hope in that isn’t working out. I feel like the rug is getting pulled out from under me every other day. 

But there is good to be had here. Whatever ends up happening, I’ll have a place to live. I have a dry, comfortable place to sleep tonight. If I rent, I might not be completely broke every day of the month. Someone else will fix the broken sinks. I can attempt houseplants (might work out this time?).

So, I’m acknowledging my feelings. I’m letting myself feel it, and I have this sense that it’s going to work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. There’s going to be some awesome house for me later on, and if I force it now I’ll miss it when it’s supposed to happen. I’m letting go. 

1. Some of these apartments I made appointments for look pretty awesome. And super affordable, even with the pet rent! I’m really excited to have my own place again.

2. Veggie pringles. They are amazing. I can’t stop eating them.

3. Chill with food and a movie before the meeting, and a phone call with a friend. Still trying to finish Passengers. I think I’ve stopped and started about 5 times. I’m going to finish it tonight.

4. The meeting. Always good. I love to see my AA people. We were on step 11 tonight, “sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him. I love this step, but then I always feel a little guilty for not keeping up with the meditation. Someone told me once that prayer is talking to God, and meditation is listening. I talk ALOT. But I don’t always listen and I think that’s important in my relationship with God.

5. Rain on the roof. 🙂 

That’s all I got for tonight. Hope you’re having a great day or night, wherever you are.

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