Day 46

I’m curious how other bloggers deal with only sharing the bits of their private life that they want to, while keeping the private, private. There are things going on with me that I’d like to share but don’t because other people’s privacy would be out there, or it might affect the divorce in some odd way. 

Mostly, at this moment I’m content and happy. I’m lying in the grass outside just content to simply be. I have an AA meeting soon, and it’s my favorite so I’m happy to be where I am doing what I’m doing. 

I realized I’m afraid of being happy. I’m enjoying happiness so much right now, but little thoughts like “when is the other shoe going to drop” sneak in and it makes me nervous. I haven’t been happy in years. So now that I am, fear of pain following the happiness is trying to seep in. My sponsor asks me what I would do if I could live fearlessly- right now it is to not give into that fear and enjoy every moment for simply what it is, no projections on the future, just…now.

1. Right now. Lying in the grass, blogging on my phone with no worries, no accountability until tomorrow. I’ll see friends soon, and probably do dinner afterwards. I’m looking forward to it.

2. Watching a meme war between my sisters. Holy cow….who knew there were so many memes out there with their names in them. So funny.

3. Exercised a bit before coming out. It feels so good.

4. Listened to my Happy playlist at work. I forgot about some of those songs. Some Bill Withers, mixed with Black Keys, Mason Jennings, Beach Boys, Eve 6 and of COURSE, Rainbow Connection by the Muppets.

5. A comfortable couch to sleep on. If you don’t have a bed, and you must sleep on a couch I couldn’t have asked for a better one. I actually own the same couch (it’s living at my ex’s until I find a place) but for some reason my sisters is better.