I am so blessed and happy at this point in my life. Today has barely started but is already so full. Lover and I are on our way back to Mn from Hawai’i- a harsh cold and reality of daily life await but strangely I’m not sad. I love Hawai’i. It’s a place I could easily see myself living. But my life is lived where I am…which is currently en route via multiple layovers. Last night I went to sleep on a plane taking off in a storm, terrified to the point of almost vomiting. More turbulence than I’m comfortable with FOR SURE but I had a warm hand to hold and the knowledge if it was my time then I’d go happy. And I’m good with going out like that. Happy, that is. Plane crash…not so much. In any case, we survived and landed at the first layover tired and sore and happy. I can’t speak for him, but for me…just incredibly happy I’m where I am with him. And that life gets to continue in the every day with him in it. (Maaaan… if you only knew how okay I am with how cheesy I sound) Just the simple adventure of being in the same place as the man I love. Today is so special already for the experience I’ve had so far and the adventure I anticipate on the next layover. Happy Valentine’s day to you all. 1. I didn’t die 2. The LA airport is nowhere near as crazy as I thought it would be…but we did land at 5am so there’s that 3. Coffee. I got all sorts of jacked and bounced around the airport for an hour or so. So fun. 4. A delicious breakfast 5. A possible beach on my next layover. Anything could happen. Chaos theory comes to mind, but in a good way. (God I wish Jeff Goldblum was on my flight. I’ve been making so many Jurassic park references lately. Have I mentioned I love dinosaurs?)
One of the things I remember most about the movie Lilo and Stitch is them talking about ohana…which means family. I found myself tonight at an AA meeting on the big island of Hawai’i by this name. (Yes, there is a good reason I haven’t posted much haha). Lover and I met some wonderful people at another meeting here, and they told us about the Ohana meeting. It’s an “eating meeting”, we’re told. “Come eat some Hawaiian food.” Sold. We came to the island on a private retreat, to a wellness center. There’s only one place to smoke in the area, everything else is off limits. Me, being the dirty dirty smoker goes off to find that area on the first day…only to find that the majority of those there are smoking the devil’s lettuce. Ok fine. I hang to the outer area, not really talking to anyone. Then I go back several hours later. More people are there this time, and it’s not tobacco in the pipe. They’re much friendlier, and tried to pass to me. Lover showed up right after this, and they tried to pass to him as well. There’s a part in the Big Book where it talks about only being around alcohol if you have a good reason to be there. Lover tells me he doesn’t- he doesn’t smoke so he will no longer join me at the tent. My wheels start turning. Do I have a good reason to be there? Is my nasty cigarette addiction reason enough for me to put my sobriety in jeopardy every time I need a smoke? I brought a long a bunch of nicotine patches for the plane rides, I have enough for the duration of the trip. So I did it. Three days without a single cigarette, and it’s fucking hard. Yes, I’m on the patch. Yes it’s worth it to not be around all the Mary Jane. However I feel like I’ve been in an anxiety attack for the last 24 hours. And that, brings me to the meeting. The anxiety has been building over the last day…it started surfacing about an hour or two before the meeting. We get there, grab some coffee, and sit. I sip my coffee, looking longingly towards the door where I know other sober folk are out smoking. They’d give me a smoke. Then relief hits. Something relaxed inside. I’m home. I’m with my people. AA is where I can walk into the room of strangers and everyone knows me and I know them. It didn’t really hit me until after I left tonight that the meeting name, Ohana means family. Those are my family. I’m still a basket case, I cried some on the drive back to the resort. I might smoke tomorrow. I make no promises. But today, tonight I’m sober and tobacco free. And my family was there giving me hugs and telling me they understood.