Day 100

So many things. 

Today has been productive. My poor kitty can’t seem to get rid of his fleas so we got the vet treatment this morning, as well as forking it over for pest control. I’m done. DONE with fleas. So, after dropping my kids off, I spent the whole morning getting everything off the floors, vacuumed until the vacuum broke (insert poop emoji) swept, mopped, and gathered all bedding and clothes into the car. Kitty and I go off to the laundromat. 

30 dollars and 6 loads of laundry later, now we are parked in front of the building, waiting another 30 minutes before we are allowed back in. Kitty is very unhappy, and it’s fucking cold so we are stuck in the car. But! I have all sorts of clean laundry.

1. My lover is bringing a vacuum over later so I can finish the vacuuming. Then, grilled food and Stranger Things 2. Oh God I can’t wait.

2. I finally got curtains. This is very overdue, I’m pretty excited about putting them up. They’re supposed to be coral in color, and I’m hoping they won’t look excessively pink. 

3. Getting 6 loads of laundry done in 2 hours. I’m impressed. Not impressed by the cost, but happy with the time savings.

4. A flea free apartment. I can’t emphasize this enough.

5. Not having to go anywhere after I get back in to the nice warm apartment. This is a huge plus, with it being 30 degrees and windy, cloudy, and fuck Minnesota weather.

In spite of being very cold, kind of rainy, snowing here and there kind of day, I’m content with how it’s turned out so far. 

Here is a random picture of me with my new chicken, Dinner. She should lay me lots of eggs before fulfilling her name.

Day 99

Everything seems more brilliant lately. The music more powerful, the food tastes better. I’ve been so happy the last couple months but it’s magnified in the last couple days. Life is truly beautiful right now.

The whole purpose of this blog was to continue seeking positivity even when I felt like there was none to be had. 5 things each day. It worked, and my life has grown so full. Not perfect, by any stretch. I can find things to bitch about so easy. But my focus has changed. 

I’m still going to blog, and do 5 positives. It just won’t quite be so frequently. Unless life changes again and I need to again. God I hope not but who knows.

1. Got out the door, showered, with both kids and was at work on time. I didn’t meditate but I ate breakfast. Trade offs, but being at work on time felt great.

2. Potent pink sunrise this morning. Just this intense pink at the skyline for a minute before it disappeared behind a hill but it was amazing.

3. Leftover gf, df, sf lasagna that my sister made me last night. She loves me. ❤

4. Remembering the groceries in the work fridge before I left the parking lot in my car. The building would have been locked 5 minutes later and my dinner plans for tomorrow wouldn’t have happened! 

5. A delicious dinner of salmon, eggplant parmesan (my youngest sister made it and I feasted…she made it to my restrictions with love) and fried potatoes. So good.

Day 98

It’s been a long time since I packed so much into a single day. I’ve been up since 6, and went non-stop up until an hour ago. Now I have another hour and a half of free time before kickball and I don’t know what to do with myself.

So, I write. 🙂

1. A smooth morning getting out the door. I was even able to do the dishes!

2. Caribou was out of almond milk. I was devastated. I really wanted a latte but it was ok..i would settle for a house blend and an apple juice for A. Then…it was free. The staff felt bad that I wasn’t getting what I wanted and wouldn’t take my money. So a free coffee! And it was delicious.

3. A successful run at the courthouse getting all my papers.

4. Lunch at my favorite stand in the St. Paul skyways. It’s been 6 or 7 years since I’d been there and their tamales are to die for. So. Good.

5. Sneaked in a meeting at a treatment center in between the madness of government bureaucracy that I spent my day doing. It felt great.

The meeting was on the Promises. Which is apt, as my life is a testament to it. I dont regret my past. The happiness and freedom I’m experiencing now are a result of working the steps. I have the life now that I always wanted. Albeit it looks different than I thought it would but it’s beautiful, and mine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Day 98

This has been honestly the best weekend with my children that I can remember. Only two small incidents, one on each day. I’m still holding my breath but the day is almost over.

1. The apartment never got too out of control today. Any parent knows the mess level gets out of hand easily. I acquired more toys and books yesterday than I would have liked, and they got all over the place but I got the kids to pick them up. The kids are in bed, and it’s not completely trashed. So awesome. 

2. Got to see my friend and went for a walk. I made her a vegan cake for her birthday and I might have been more excited than she was. But we walked, got coffee, and it was good to see her. It’s been like a month and feels like a year.

3. Reading my new book, Area X by Jeff Vandermeer. It’s creepy and addictive. I like it so far. 

4. Spaghetti with homemade French rolls. Omg. I haven’t made spaghetti in awhile and forgot how good it was. I’m hungry again just thinking about it. The girls tore it up too.

5. Quiet. At this moment right now, the only sounds are the clock ticking and my stomach growling (why did I bring up the spaghetti?). It’s peaceful and perfect. 

Day 97

Tonight has been epic. Let me just describe how this has gone. 

Started out by leaving work early to pick up A for a doctor appointment. I left 20 minutes before school lets out, and it’s a ten minute drive.

I get there, and I’m late. Early by my thoughts but apparently school let out ten minutes earlier than I thought it did and my poor A was sad and confused, standing in the wrong area of pickup which would have put her on a bus to some daycare. Crisis averted though! Mommy found her in time. So off to our appointment, 20 minutes away.

We’re having a great time by my standards. Listening to the Amazon playlist she picked out, she’s telling me about school, life is good. Get to the clinic 15 minutes early, things are moving the right direction! Except…we went to the wrong clinic. There’s another clinic in the same city where the appointment is. Ok. Had I checked the calendar appointment on my phone I would have known this…but…we are early so just enough time to hop in the car and off we go.

Get to the clinic. Check in, not a minute to spare. However…now A has to use the bathroom IMMEDIATELY like a 5 year old does and they need a urine sample. The receptionist lets me back and we get it done. We see the doctor, and oops. The sample is no good. Back to the bathroom 3 dixie cups and a water drinking contest later and she doesn’t have to go. Ok. We’re going to take sample cups to go and no big deal. Off to pick up J.

Pick up J. Haven’t gotten far, when A has to go AND MOM IT CAN’T WAIT so gas station bathroom. With a toddler in tow. Get the sample, so ok, now we’ll just drop it off on the way home, nbd. 

Get back to the first clinic we stopped at, and I grab the bag with the cup just in time for it to leak all over my lap. The lid wasn’t all the way on. Thank God it didn’t drip on the seats. So I’m wiping myself off as best I can with the alcohol towlettes left over when A has to go again. Awesome! Perfect timing. Back into the clinic we go. But it’s urgent. And the receptionist is busy. A is threatening an accident, so I flag a nurse. It’s apparent she doesn’t understand the full story but 5 year old and accident in the same sentence usually gets you access to bathrooms anywhere and this is no exception. 

Provide our third sample of the day. Now labs want to figure out who we are and if there is indeed an order for this sample. Provide information. We wait. By that I mean, I wait while trying to keep screaming running children from jumping on and off the waiting room couches and running into the xray room. And out of the lab. And out of the bathroom. And from fighting each other. And from taking the coat rack and using it as a spear. While I’m covered in pee. Lab comes back, need me to rewrite the information. More waiting. More running shrieking children. Lab comes back, we’re good! Time to finally go home.

This all took place in three hours. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering, why is this on the positivity blog? This doesn’t seem positive. Well, normal me would have lost my temper at least once in all this. Stress, children not listening, PEE ON MY PANTS. But, I didn’t. Not once. We got home, and everything was fine. The kids ate, I did laundry, bathed the kids. And it’s been a great night. Im exhausted, and hungry and have the sniffles but I’m happy we got it all done and no one died or even got yelled at. I’m even wearing clean pants!

1. Got to wake up and meditate, eat breakfast and watch the news. Plus, early to work!

2. Cake. Lovely, lovely cake at work.

3. My dad met me for lunch. I haven’t always had the best relationship with my dad and it makes me appreciate how close we are so much more now. I’m so happy and blessed to have him around.

4. Got enough quarters to do all the laundry. This is serious business. I feel like there’s never enough and I always have like 2 one dollar bills and one quarter short but I got it all done.

5. Some bone broth and herbal tea to cap off the night. 

Life is good today. Not easy, but good.

Day 95

I’m sick…went from just exhausted to exhausted+sore throat+lungs hurt. Plus kids = tired tired Lynn. However, a very kind and thoughtful person brought me two kinds of bone broth, two soups, and herbal tea, so hopefully I’ll kick this quickly!

1. Sleeping in after calling in sick to work. Cuddles and snuggles make feeling bad, not so bad.

2. The broth and tea. There’s nothing like it when you’re feeling crappy.

3. I got a new oven today! Haven’t tested it out yet, because, sick but I’m looking forward to it immensely.

4. Watched a ton of tv. Which is normally a bad thing but it was nice that it was available when I couldn’t get off the couch.

5. Doing A’s homework with her. 

And an amazing sunset. A took the first picture, I took the second. She’s pretty good at photography.

By the Moonlight

“Did you get the song I sent you?” I asked.

“Yeah. So I’m on your mind, am I?”


“So you have feelings for me?”

“Yes” I responded uncomfortably. A moment passed. Another conversation started. I broke in. “Is it returned?”

“Is what?”

“The feelings. Are they returned?” My voice cracked. I’m terrified of the response. 


” What do you mean, are they returned? Of course they are. How do you not see it?”

“I don’t know! I guess I was trying not to read into anything.” 

A couple hours later, he calls me back. He says his mind is on fire. It’s bothering him that I didn’t know he had feelings for me. He comes over. My children are sleeping, so I meet him outside. We hold each other for a little while.

“So, you know what I think?”

“What?” I ask dreamily

“I think you’re falling in love with me.”

I’m shocked. I stop, and twist up to look at him. “That’s not fair!” I sputter. 

” Is it true? He asks with a little smile. He starts backing me up towards my car while holding me.

“Yes” I say reluctantly. I’m backed up against my car. He’s kissing me. I pull back.

“Do you feel the same way? You just left me hanging here. I feel incredibly vulnerable right now.” I’m upset. I feel more vulnerable with him than I’ve ever felt before. I just admitted something I was only aware of a few days before and he just called me out and gave me nothing in return. 

He sighs. “I’ve been falling in love with you for a long time.”

Relief, then emotion floods through. We’re kissing, and then moving across the grass. The moon is full, and he lifts me and we’re laughing and kissing and dancing through the yard. At some point we stop, he’s behind me with his arms around me, and we’re looking at the moon.

“I feel like I’m still falling. Like I’ve been falling for some time and I don’t know how far or deep this is going to go.” I say.

“Me too.” He responds. We stand there for a while. Just experiencing the whole of it.

At some point he leaves. Neither of us want to part, but he can’t stay the night. I feel like I’m in a dream. I lie awake for hours thinking about every detail. Did this really happen? Could I have imagined the whole thing?

The next morning, I see two sets of footprints all over the grass. ♡

Day 94

Sleeping in is the best. I tend not to sleep in all that late when I have the opportunity to do it, but it’s soooo nice when I get the option to do it. Just snuggle in the bed, half asleep, and not be expected to get up or go anywhere. With my custody schedule, I get one day every two weeks to do this. One day in every 14. It makes me appreciate it so much more than I ever did before. When I was with my ex, there was never sleeping in, ever. Either the kids got me up, or on the extremely rare occasions grandma took them, they were being dropped off as soon as possible. 

Anyway, I’m grateful now that I have the opportunity. 

1. A relatively easy morning with my children, before dropping them off with their dad.

2. Plenty of me time. A little cleaning and laundry, and catching up on Outlander. 

3. Two walks by myself. I found a pretty little park about ten minutes walk from my place, and while it’s not very child friendly (not much grass area, a large pond) it’s gorgeous and an ideal place to meditate or read a book.

So pretty

4. Fresh baked bread. Almond millet bread. Might have been my best loaf yet. We’ll see how it kept overnight.

5. Girl time with my friend and a really fun show. It was a good time. Battle Toys puts on a great performance. 

Day 93

It’s been a mostly good day today. I’m a disaster getting out the door in the mornings, today I set extra warning alarms on my phone, like “ten minute warning” and “put your shoes on”. I feel more organized, but was still late for work. So I think now I need to assess other areas. Like meditation. That’s sucking up a full half hour with my interruptions instead of the 20 minutes it’s supposed to take. So if I’m not awake at the time I need to be awake, I probably shouldn’t do it, or do a shortened version. 

Also going to kick the warning alarms back 5 minutes each. I think those were helpful. Just need 5 more minutes to rush around at shoe time. 

Last night before bed, I decided to practice piano on the keyboard. But I ended up not practicing. I started messing around with trying to record a melody in my head, then couldn’t make the keyboard do what I wanted and got frustrated. So I’m glad, there’s still music in me that wants to come out. But I’m upset that I’m not capable like I was when I used to do it. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. And I know I’m going to be super basic for a while. This also aggravates me. I have false ideas about where I should be and it’s hard to be where I am when I’m expecting…I don’t know…more? I just gotta get that out of my head and I’ll be fine. You don’t get good overnight. It takes practice. Also time.

1. A good day at work.

2. A new favorite song. Charlotte Gainsbourg, Deadly Valentine. 

3. Reading time with my girls.

4. My horrific stomach pain from yesterday is mostly gone. 

5. Snuggles with warm clean A and the movie Sing. A good way to spend a rainy night.