Day 88

Yesterday I kept so busy I didn’t have a chance to write anything up. 

Today…not much happened.

Not necessarily a bad thing. But to be honest, I spent most of the day fighting a migraine, and then when that went away I was so tired I was falling asleep at my desk. But hey, the migraine was gone!

1. Got up in my favorite way, and got meditation and breakfast before hauling ass out the door. I’m disorganized as fuck, but I got my coffee, and was fed and not running late for once.

2. Chipotle for lunch. 

3. Got into some classical music at work. It’s not my favorite genre, but I stumbled across a composer I’m batshit crazy for and it’s opening me up to new stuff. Like this.

4. My friend Marta gave me some vetiver essential oil to try on A a few weeks ago. It promotes calmness, and when you breathe it in, it literally relaxes you instantly. Ive noticed a huge difference since we’ve started using it. We call it her “perfume” and she dabs some on her wrists pretty much right before we leave from daycare. It’s insane. I honestly didn’t think it would work but it does. She was so worked up when I went to get her today I was sure it was going to be one constant meltdown but instead she whined for a couple minutes and fell asleep on the ride home. And then was a normal happy kid when we got home. Now, we still have bad days and meltdowns but they are so much more manageable.

I believe God puts people in our lives at just the right moment when we need it. I have been at my wits end all summer with this kid, and truly believe it was a God thing when she walked into my office randomly and happened to have this oil on her. 

5. A lovely dinner of cheeseburger pie, then the Trolls movie with two happy little girls. The dishes are done, laundry is in the machine, and bedtime is drawing near. 

Day 87

Ok. Somebody needs to cut me off.

Apple cinnamon donuts 

You’re going to have to roll me to my car so I can go to work tomorrow.

I based the recipe on the pumpkin maple glazed donut recipe from Oh She Glows, but made some changes, like making it gluten free. And making with Apple instead of pumpkin. 

1/2 tsp vinegar, 6 tbsp almond milk, 1/2 cup plus 3 tbsp unsweetened applesauce, 1/4 cup sugar, 2 tbsp brown sugar, 2 tbsp earth balance, 2 tsp baking powder, 1/4 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp ginger, 1/4 tsp nutmeg, 1/2 tsp salt, 1 cup white rice flour, 1/2 cup oat flour.

Baked at 350 for 12 minutes

If I had half a brain I would have put a 1/4 tsp xanthan gum in, but I didn’t so they’re crumbly but so so delicious. Dipped in melted earth balance and cinnamon sugar.

So good.

1. Eggs fried in bacon grease on “girlfriend bread”, aka gluten free. Delicious.

2. Taco Tuesday! 

3. A’s dance night! She’s so effing cute in her leotard and tights. 

4. Fucking donuts. I need a bakers anonymous meeting. Still positive though. The reactions from Hannah and A were worth it 100 percent.

5. Hannah came over and hung out. She watched Barbie movies with A while I did dishes, then we looked through photo albums from when we were in high school and younger. I must say, we were awesome even when we were awkward. But thank sweet baby Jesus we don’t look like that anymore!

Edit: listening to Sugarray Rayford, The World that We Live In. Dirty bluesy goodness. I recommend.

Day 86

Donuts.

Oh God.

Death by chocolate. 

I completely forgot to take pictures of the finished product, but let me tell you. Wow. Super good.

I used the recipe posted by Angela Liddon on Oh She Glows. I didn’t get permission to post the recipe, so follow the link if you want to try it out. They were a huge hit with everyone who tried them. It was said, however that they were more like a brownie than a donut but no one cared. Except me. Im going to test out a couple more of the donut recipes she posted soon to see if I can get more of the donut like texture to it.

So good. 

Both weekend days were pretty packed full of awesome. I was in motion pretty much the whole time, so I didn’t post either day like I should have. I’ve decided to make just one post for both. 

1. Good parenting day. Granted, I only had my kids in the am before they went to their dad’s, but it was good. They were up at 530, so I feel like we got a lot of quality time in. At the repair shop. And the grocery. And the park. All before ten am. It was good.

2. Those donuts. Maaaan.

3. Went to a crafting AA thing. The meeting was excellent, and it felt like I got closer to people I am just acquainted with. Plus, I made a new pair of earrings!

4. A delicious dinner made for me. I don’t recall what all was in it, but it was super good.

5. Music at a dark twisty bar. The whole experience of listening to romantic music while lounging on a couch in a dark, candlelit bar while passing a notebook back and forth. I blew off two parties for this and have zero regrets.

6. Slept in. It was amazing. Probably my only day to sleep in for the next two weeks. I woke up with a migraine which was not wonderful, but I slept it off and the day just got better from there.

7. Cleaned the apartment. It didn’t take long which was even better. 

8. Went boating. It was almost 90 degrees. In SEPTEMBER. IN MINNESOTA. I know, right? The opportunity presented itself to go boating and I took it. The water wasn’t as cold as I thought it’d be, and I loved/hated (hated to love?) getting yanked into the water. It was fun and I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

9. Made that amaaaazing sausage mushroom dish again. I’m starving again just thinking about it.

10. Practiced piano briefly while talking on the phone with my girl then tv and bed. The tv wasnt on long. 

Absolutely content with life. 

Day 85

I’m feeling incredibly claustrophobic at the moment. 

I’m good at compartmentalizing. Especially with the people in my life. And I’m so good at it, that it never occurs to me that this is a small town and people know each other. Or that people from the past that I don’t expect to ever be in my life again pop up.

So last night, I’m in bed, sorting mentally through information I’ve gotten in the last few days and weeks and I feel suddenly claustrophobic. All these separate people are popping up in places I don’t expect knowing people it never occurred to me they knew. And I’m not sure why it makes me uncomfortable. It shouldn’t, but it does. It’s not like I have anything to hide, I don’t. 

I’m also seriously considering not going to a party I was really excited about going to because I found out a person would be there that I dont want to have any interaction with. I have two alternate sets of plans for that night, it’s not like I’d just sit at home with the cat and Netflix. I should shut up…a year ago that would have been me on a Saturday night. 

1. No Doubt, Spiderwebs. I SO wanted to be Gwen Stefani back in 1999. But, let’s be honest, who didn’t? Love that song. 

2. Back in March, I think, I was bitching that I never had time or money for a yoga class and someone suggested you tube for doing yoga. And it was amazing! I started doing it at home and it was great, my back pain was completely gone and weight loss plus body sculpting. A month or two later, I was talking to a girl I work with about her struggle with weight loss after her second child and I passed along the suggestion. She stopped by my office today, visibly smaller, and told me it was thanks to my suggestion because she was now doing the you tube video yoga exercises at home. I feel like I can’t take all the credit, but it feels so good that someone made a very positive change in their life because of something I said. 

3. Got my donut pans! I’m making donuts tomorrow and I’m soooo excited for it. Pictures and recipe to follow.

4. My weekend is filling up with plans fast. I’m pretty happy about this. In January, I was very isolated and lonely. I had very few friends, and made the decision to leave my husband with very little support. I had lots of friends before I started dating him, but slowly became more distant and over time only a few remained. I decided that needed to change and started making the effort to go out after meetings to meet people and make friends. And I did. I’m building a network, where I had only a couple close friends that I didnt see often before. I’m getting invited to events, have multiple text conversations going. Planning tea dates and baking adventures. I am so grateful to God for this. And when things got really hard, these new friends (along with my old close friends) were there for me, letting me cry on the phone and taking me out to do things. AA didn’t just get me sober, it saved my sanity over and over again. The people I’ve met and made friends with loved me when I needed it the most. I truly hope I can pay it forward.

5. Board games and the new Beauty and the Beast movie with A. These are the moments that make parenting worth all the struggles.

Day 84

For some reason, Atmosphere, Like Today song is coming to my mind when I think of this morning. 

Woke up, got up round 11’oclock

Butt naked except, I was wearing my socks

And that’s cool ’cause most of the time this floor is cold

Stand up and stretch, look around this mess

I certainly woke up much earlier than 11 and not naked. Or wearing socks, for that matter. But the mess part is true.

Anyway.

1. A little Wolf Alice to start the day on the right note…first song I heard in the car this morning. Followed by Across the Universe by The Beatles, and then the Postal Service with Such Great Heights. Maaaan… made it even better when I was texted by someone that they were also listening to the same songs. Love Such Great Heights. It reminds me of a time long gone while also making me want to climb a tree with someone. 

I feel like climbing a tree now. 

2. Listened to Barbara Walters you tube interviews while working this morning. Fascinating. Also made the morning fly by.

3. Listened to Atmosphere Lucy Ford album while making dinner. When i was thinking of Like Today, I felt like listening to it. I forget how good this album is, probably the best Atmosphere ever did. The song, If I Was Santa Claus was my absolute favorite in high school. For a long time, that was my ideal of love. Or, Don’t Ever Fucking Question That. Now I’m older, I have different ideas of love. I don’t want to rescue anyone like I used to, or solve their problems for them. Or rather, I stop myself from trying to. (Al Anon was huge on this) I don’t want to be rescued either. I want a partner in crime. To bring out the best in the man who brings out the best in me. If I Was Santa Claus made me a little sad listening to it, but in a good way. I’ve grown. And those are still some amazing songs.

4. Came home to a clean sink with no dishes in it. I promptly filled it with prep dishes but it was soooo nice to start out fresh! (Note, they’re mostly all clean again)

5. Made homemade pizza from scratch tonight. Ugh. So full, and in a good way. 

I started my day with snuggles and music. My apartment smells like spices and pizza, I have happy children and my heart is so full. Life is so good today.

Day 83

Today has been a good day. Not really anything specific to point at, but a culmination of good, if you will.

I got kind of excited, there was pop rocks for sale at the register when I was at the store. Impulse buy. I hurriedly opened up a pack at my desk, and had just poured some down the hatch when I got curious about what makes them pop. Second ingredient- milk. Shit. So then I’m spitting everything into the trash as fast as I can, rinsing my mouth with water and cursing myself internally for not keeping Listerine in my drawer like I used to. I think I’ll be fine. I didn’t swallow any. But still…since when do pop rocks have milk in them?

1. Was told by three different people I looked super cute today. That was nice to hear. I sometimes question my fashion choices but apparently today boots+dress worked nicely!

2. Got to go through wigs today. My coworker thought he might have something for my upcoming costume needs. Sadly, none of them were what I needed but it was fun. I tried on a few. Don’t think I’ll be going with Beatles hair or an orange dye job anytime soon. No pictures. I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.

3. Gave flowers as a thank you for a coworker. She wasn’t expecting them, and it was fun to see her reaction. Totally a warm fuzzies moment.

4. Got my ads kicked in PiYo class. I liked it though. I’ll be back.

5. My meeting was really good. We were on step 3, and the speaker got right up in the selfishness part of the big book. My small group was really spiritual too. I felt really good about it all.

Side note, I forgot to bring clean underwear and deodorant to my class. So I had to go straight from my cold shower at the class to my meeting, commando in a dress. Then, my heel broke on my boot while I’m leading the meeting. So, there I am, standing in front of a hundred or so people, some of whom are sitting on the floor right next to me, no underwear, wearing a dress, and trying to balance on one foot so I didn’t fall down and moon the whole group. To my knowledge, no one saw anything they shouldn’t have and I didn’t fall. Win for everyone!

Day 82

1.  Leftover soup for lunch. Mmmmmm……..

2. A’s dance night. I love watching her. I didn’t get to see much tonight because I was chasing J around but seeing her do something she loves means the world to me. Got to talking to one of the other dance mom’s. She’s a stay at home mother of 4, her oldest is 7. 4 kids under 7 and she’s sane. I’m in awe. This woman is a warrior. 

3. A delicious dinner of carrots and hummus eaten while feeding a toddler a sandwich at dance. I’m rather proud of myself. 

4. Looked at pictures with A after J went to bed. It was special…I think she needed it. To see and remember all the zoo trips and holidays. 

5. Smooth parenting night. God I needed that. I think the girls needed it too. ❤

Day 81

I mentioned a few days ago that I *might* have a baking problem.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I totally have a baking problem.

Yesterday I made candy bars. I didn’t actually bake them though, so does it count? Today…baked some millet bread. And made soup. Delicious ham and lentil soup. Previous attempts at millet bread led to dry loaves. Edible, but dry. Today’s attempt was slightly better. 

God, this soup is good.


1. The cat isn’t dead. I was concerened he might be seriously injured when he acted like a drunk kitty and we had an emergency vet run. But he seems fine now. No idea why he had the issue, but he’s ok and that’s what matters.

2. Lunch with my stylist friend Chelsie. We had tacos. Double win.

3. Got rid of all the empty boxes sitting in the living room. 

4. Homemade soup and fresh bread for dinner. Perfection.

5. Working out costumes for Halloween and a theme party coming up. I love costumes, and I want to go all out. I’m so excited!

Day 80

Parenting a kid with oppositional defiant disorder is no joke. No one really understands what it’s like if they don’t have a kid like that themselves.

I did some reading up online about parenting ODD kids today. Nothing really that I hadn’t heard before, but a refresher on basic skills was good. It’s been hard though. When your kid comes in for a hug and tries to bite your stomach I tend to react negatively. I want to take the kids out, but I keep getting swung at so we don’t make it out the door. 

I’m going to conquer today. I’m going to make this day my bitch and own it. Or at least I keep telling myself that. 

1. I almost dodged the pickle J threw at me. Some reflexes are better than none.

2. It’s sunny and nice out. It looks divine through the windows. I have them open and the fresh air coming in is wonderful. 

3. Lovely conversation with my friend where I was able to give her driving directions randomly when she needed it. I felt useful.

4. My niece is back from living with her dad as of today. We got to go see her, and it was wonderful. Both kids napped on the way home and it was peaceful afterwards.

5. I made candy bars. Peanut butter oatmeal almond honey filling covered in chocolate. So good. I’m so full. And yes, I  actually ate a real dinner too. Working on better taking care of myself.

Decided for today to quit quitting. It’s been hard. And it’s just for today. I’ll decide what I’m doing tomorrow, tomorrow. 

Day 79

1. A peaceful parenting day. Sure, I caved a bunch, but there was very little fighting. It was nice.

2. A helped me clean, make dinner and bake muffins. Awesome mother daughter time.

3. Rented Rock Dog. I’m a sucker for music and kids movies and this one is pretty awesome. 

4. Walked around downtown St. Paul exploring. Discovered a garden at the hospital and a church I’d like to see the inside of sometime.

5. Went to an awesome concert with a person who is becoming an integral part of my life. The music was amazing and I completely lost myself in it and my companion. Just when I think something can’t be topped, it gets topped.