Day 67

Ever notice that people in general, have a whole lot of opinions on what you should or shouldn’t do? 

I had a conversation with my sister today that really brought this to my attention today. And she has the right to her opinions I guess. It really comes down to me, that what’s right for one person, or another depends on that person and the situation they’re in. I try to understand what the situation is with each person and not tell people what to do but I can be just as guilty when it comes to telling people what I think is best for them. This is something I’m working on. Offering suggestions when people look for advice and not get bent when they don’t take it. Because maybe it’s bad advice, maybe I don’t know the situation fully, or the other people involved. 

It hurt to hear the things she said, but she also tried to talk me into staying in my marriage before I left it so I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I don’t include her in all the things that go on in my life so it’s natural she would maybe make assumptions about that and other things because she doesn’t know the full story. 

I’m taking this as a lesson to watch my own behavior going forward. It wouldn’t bother me that she doesn’t know the full story if I didn’t make assumptions of my own about other people from time to time. Or try to tell people what to do, because it doesn’t work anyway. I’ve never done what I was told unless I was broken to the point where I was willing to do anything to not feel the way I did. I can’t expect anyone to do what I say or suggest either.

Right now I feel like I’m going with the flow of life, not struggling against it for the first time. I’m letting things happen as they will, not projecting how I think they should be or forcing things to go where I think they should go. It feels good, and I’m peaceful about it. 

1. The Dead South, In Hell I’ll be in Good Company. I discovered this today, and it’s my song of the day. I can’t understand most of the lyrics so it could be Satan worshipping for all I know. It’s catchy and I like the outfits.

Edit: I listened to the lyrics. Well, what I could understand, anyway. Great Caesars ghost. I can’t tell if he’s killing his wife or she’s killing him. Um….yeah. So…new song. We are going with  The Speakeasy Three, When I get low I get High

2. Work potluck. I can’t eat most of the food and this is good because I think I’d eat it all and regret my life choices. 

3. Keys for my new apartment! Moving this weekend. I’m scared shitless but I know this is going to work out. I’m glad I got the keys today, because now it’s confirmed I have no dishwasher (must get used to hand washes again), mailbox won’t latch and my appliances don’t work. Maintenance will be busy hahaha.

4. Meeting night. I love seeing my AA family. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

5. Music in the car. I can sing as loud as I want to. ❤

 Day 66

It’s been a busy weekend. I made good on the meditation, saw friends, packed things, watched live music and came close to falling off a dock.

Also the state fair.

The state fair is a pretty big deal in MN. It’s supposedly the third largest in the US, and there were over 200,000 people there the day I went. It took us half an hour to find a parking spot and only because some nice guy who was leaving waited for us, then let us pull in behind him. One kid was selling parking spots in his yard for 50 dollars. 

Once inside, Hannah and I found food, shopped for sunglasses, and stumbled on hula hoops for sale. I kind of regret not getting one but she did, and we found various places around the fair and hooped a little. 

Hannah is amazing


I’m getting better!

Also, food. I got a Chicago dog which was amaaaazing and Lynn friendly, as well as a tiny overpriced cupcake. It was worth it. Hannah got a blueberry basil lemonade that was incredible as well, she shared like the awesome person she is. We walked around for a bit, then went back to her place and I practiced the new tricks she taught me.

I’ve had camping on my mind again today. I’d really like to go again at least once this fall, preferably when the colors are peaking. I just need to find someone to go with. Random thoughts. 

1. Getting up early. The waking up part was rough, but I was able to shower, meditate, and eat my toast before work. My alarm wasn’t irritating, which was nice. 

2. Carrots and delicious tomato basil garlic hummus for lunch. I picked up some essentials at the grocery for the new place at lunch. I’ll have toilet paper right away. This is good.

3. Piano lesson! I probably won’t get many more because I’ll be broke but I’m going to try to make the most of what I’m getting.

4. Waking Light, by Beck. I just love this song. It’s beautiful.

5. Kickball night. I joined a new team, and there’s a double header right out the gate. I’ve played against them before and it’s a fun team so hopefully it’ll be a good fit. I’m looking forward to it! 

Sorry…i can’t figure out why the videos are suddenly sideways. I’ll work on it!

Day 65

You know that thing that happens sometimes, where you suddenly realize you’re lost in your thoughts and you come to and it’s like you were somewhere else completely?  

That’s been happening to me a lot lately.

I feel like there is so much happening right now in my life, that I’m constantly spinning. At times my brain feels fragmented and chaotic. I know meditating twice daily would fix this, but I can’t seem to find the time to do it. Also it was about a decade ago I was taught to do it and I need a refresher pretty badly.

My brain just keeps spinning today. Did I remember to call the insurance agent? Should I go school supply shopping tomorrow or tonight? What are we doing for dinner again? Oh crap, forgot to email that lady back. Yes I’ll play kickball. Oh wait I have kids that day. But I might not have them it depends on switching weekends with my ex…when should I bring that up with him? Oh shit I need to call for another appointment for A. 

And it just keeps going. That’s just a small portion of the thoughts today. I seriously think I’m having a come to Jesus moment right now. I’m a mess of appointments and a million little things in my personal life that have to be done at every available minute. Like laundry. Or dishes. Plus now I have a social life, so throw in friends and things I actually want to do with my time, and it’s going to collapse if I don’t get a handle on it.

I learned transcendental mediation a long time ago. I’ve practiced it for probably more than a decade now, but not regularly. One thing I’ve found is that when I do it, I’m no longer scattered and rushed and in a million directions all at once. I have clarity, and feel rested. But I let myself get to a place where I don’t make time for it, or if I do, there’s a reason I can’t. I’m going to stop that today. Or rather, tomorrow when I go have my meditation checked by the man who taught it to me. I’m hoping he can fit me in, he said he would try. 

1. A decent day at work. The workload was light, and I got caught up on things I usually put off because they are low priority. It felt good to clear some stuff off my desk.

2. Chocolate chips. Just by themselves. 

3. Got stuff from the kitchen packed at the old place in preparation for moving next week. I still have to take care of some more, but at least that’s done.

4. Early bed for J.

5. Bed for me. 🙂

Day 64

Happy birthday Mom! I know you don’t read this, and I said this when I saw you earlier but I’m saying it again. 🙂

1. Red lipstick. It feels like that kind of day. And I make it look good…

2. I discovered a new song, Surfacing, by Chapel Club. It’s dark and pretty. It’ll be downloaded to my playlist shortly.

3. Piano practice felt good tonight.

4. Some of my purchases for the new apartment arrived today. I won’t open the box yet, but I’m pretty excited!

5. Quiet alone time right now. I literally hear crickets, and after a day that’s been go go go it’s nice. 

Also I got to eat French fries tonight. From a restaurant. (Most restaurants don’t use canola oil for frying, just vegetable aka soy oil) They were delicious. I won’t do that often, because they are terrible for my health but it was a nice treat. 

Day 63

Its a weird day. Started out with a stomach ache, that turned into sharp pain, which faded with Tylenol enabling me to go to work. Once there, I was in a funk for a few hours before something (and I’m not really sure what) made me laugh and I’ve been in a good mood since.

Like I said, weird.

And…you will all be proud of me, I attended al anon tonight. This was loooong overdue. 

It’s been good, overall. 

1. Netflix series, The Defenders. I love Jessica Jones, and this show is much better than I anticipated. Sigourney Weaver is amazing. 

2. Bessie Smith, I need a Little Sugar in my Bowl. Who knew songs like that existed in 1931? Love. It.

3. Pizza from my favorite place tonight. ❤ Warm fuzzies.

4. A good Al Anon meeting.

5. My regular meeting. I was elected trusted servant for the next 3 months. God help us all…

Day 62

A word of advice, friends. Never leave your home in the company of small children without eating first. Don’t care if you aren’t hungry. Bring a snack. 

Even if you think it’s a short trip, do this. Trust me. You don’t want to make a snack stop when you’re broke, exhausted on caffeine fumes and keep tiny terrorists out of the candy aisle while you’re hangry. 

1. Discovered The Be Good Tanyas, Waiting Around to Die. Also Jack White’s cover of Wayfaring Stranger is really good.

2. Beef Jerky. Thank God for the person who invented it. I’m pretty sure it saved my life and certainly the lives of my offspring today.

3. Those brownies again. Mmmmm. 

4. Lots of outside time. 

5. My sister. For making me laugh when I was about to lose my shit and cry.

A Letter 

April 25th, 2014

Good morning Mom,

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your help in getting me back to sleep at 3 am. I know that must have been difficult for you to wake up so early.

I’m not sure what time I woke up, but since you always make me breakfast I thought I would help you out and feed myself. I pulled Auntie Sarah’s leftovers out of the fridge, but leftover seafood didn’t seem tasty so I left it out for her. I tried some apples, but each one I took as bite of tasted just like the others. The barbies didn’t like them either so I thought those strawberries in the fridge sounded like a better idea.

I know you and daddy like to put sugar on strawberries, so I thought I would make some for you. I found the sugar on the table in a shaker thing, but when I poured it out it didn’t taste anything like sugar, so I dumped it all over the floor. You’re welcome. After tasting that, I realized I was thirsty, so I grabbed the milk out of the fridge, but you didn’t get the good vanilla kind I like, so I left it out for you and decided to go look in my diaper bag. I brought the strawberries with, since I thought it would be fun to watch infomercials while eating.

I found some juiceboxes in the diaper bag, but I couldn’t get them open. That was when I realized scissors would do the trick. Since you put stuff so high up now, I moved the chair and used it as a ladder. Aren’t I clever? But then I forgot what I was doing when I saw Evelyn’s pencils, and decided those were too sparkly to leave behind. I found the crayon sharpener too, and thought the pencils might need sharpening. That seemed like a great idea until I broke one inside the tube and the only way to get it out was to bang it on the floor. That was when you appeared.

Thank you for finding the barbies, by the way mommy. I think they got cold in the refrigerator. And I know nothing about that stick of unwrapped butter Auntie Sarah found. That cat of hers is sneaky and probably is trying to blame it on me right now.

Love, A

— 

Day 61

I’m exhausted. It’s been a very long day. 

1. It was finally nice outside. It’s been rainy for a long time it seems, so a sunny warm day was just what the doctor ordered.

2. A friend called me today when she couldn’t reach her sponsor to ask my advice. It warmed the cockles of my heart to think I am considered a good source of advice. I feel like I don’t know Jack shit most of the time but if I can help someone, then hey. I’m all about it. 

3. Took the kids to a nature festival. It ended in disaster, but it was pretty awesome before it went to pieces.

4. Made stuffed peppers for dinner. I freaking love them. Comfort food.

5. Hula hooping to Sunglasses At sight by Corey Hart. It feels good to do something while the kids play outside, and the song is really fun to move to. 

Now it’s Tinkerbell movie time. Time to forget all the troubles and cuddle with A. 

Day 60

Two whole months of positive thinking! Go me! 

It’s amazing to me how much this has changed my outlook on life. In these past 60, I can literally only think of two days where it was difficult to find positive things in my day, and while those two days I stretched really hard I still found things to be happy about. Every day it gets easier to find things to be happy about, even when shitty things happen.

1. Casual Friday. I like to dress nicely for work, but sometimes it’s pretty awesome to throw a hoodie on with some jeans and call it good. Bonus for not doing anything with my hair. I’m sure I looked like an employee of high value and knowledge when I was introduced to the new temp. 

2. I listened to a partial cover of one of my favorite songs. It was beautiful, and while I’m sure the artist didn’t do it just for me, it felt like it and made my day. I’m hoping to hear the full version soon.

3. Dr. John. Was introduced to his music tonight and he’s super cool. I’m liking it. There’s definitely a New Orleans voodoo vibe going on there.

5. Went to a concert with my sister. One of my other sisters was supposed to go and backed out at the last minute so I went. It was super fun, and as a bonus, I ran into a friend there. 

Now I’m decompressing, watching some mystery science theater 3000 and hoping I can fall asleep soon. It’s been a good day. 

Edit: this picture is too good not to share. Even the cat has commentary.

Day 59

My basic rule for life right now: don’t be an asshole. 

It’s harder than it sounds.

My daily reading hit right on what I was feeling this morning:

August 17 Daily Reflections

RIGHTING THE HARM

In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 79

“Have you ever thought that the harm you did a business associate, or perhaps a family member, was so slight that it really didn’t deserve an apology because they probably wouldn’t remember it anyway? If that person, and the wrong done to him, keeps coming to mind, time and again, causing an uneasy or perhaps guilty feeling, then I put that person’s name at the top of my “amends list,” and become willing to make a sincere apology, knowing I will feel calm and relaxed about that person once this very important part of my recovery is accomplished.”

I did one of these today. I unintentionally blew off saying hi to someone standing in front of me last night and it bothered me. Still bothered me enough this morning to the point I texted them with an apology. And you know what? I felt better. That guy probably thinks I’m a nutcase but I don’t care, I feel like I righted the wrong I did. And other than my daily reading bringing it up I haven’t thought about it since. I’m attempting to not be an asshole, and when I am, I’m promptly admitting it. I feel like I’m on the right path.

1. Grillout for staff at my work. Not only do I get free food, but the grill is right under the air intake for my office, so I’ve been basking in the smell of cooking burgers all day. So I get to smell like food as well! Wins for everyone.

2. Got to eat with my sweet friend Marta. I’ve barely seen her this summer and it made me really happy to see her.

3. I heard the best new song earlier. But I can’t remember the title or the artist. Also, the new Killers song, The Man is pretty sweet. Brings me back to 2004, when they were super huge, and I had one of the best summers of my life. So I guess this one is more about the Killers. 

4. Walk and park with the kids…A rode her scooter and occasionally rode in the stroller as well. I’m going to have to make sure there is a playground near wherever I find a place. I like walking to them.

5. This: