Day 43

Yes, I skipped a day again. The positive parts of yesterday were for me. Someday, maybe I’ll share but for now, it’s mine.

A different part of yesterday did not go as planned. I will not be able to look for housing for another two weeks. Unexpected outcomes seem to be frequent with me, so I’m telling myself that God has a plan, and it makes it easier

Today on the other hand, has been wonderful from top to bottom. 

1. Paleo pancakes and bacon with my girls. Who were both magically well behaved as well.

2. More hula hooping. I’m getting better at it. Someday I’ll learn tricks!

3. Beach day with my friend. Got super sunburned, and I’ll be tan and lovely in a few days. I love hanging out with her. 

4. Vegan food. I’m a meat eater, but I usually can find food I can eat at places that serve vegan. This place was full on vegan and sadly most of their menu had soy but I was able to eat some delicious falafels and chili. I’m full and it was healthy food so I can feel good about it.

5. Chill night. I haven’t done that on a Saturday without kids in forever, but there wasn’t much going on and I am tired from beaching and hooping and I’m looking forward to lying around like a bum and watching some television. I have no books left to read now! It feels strange.

Day 42

I’ve been impatient today. Too much work to get done, and not enough time. Interrupted constantly. Got distracted multiple times. Strong feeling the boss doesn’t like me. I just wanted today to be over because of tomorrow. Tomorrow things happen that will decide if I can buy a house like I want, or if I will need to rent. In either case it means I will finally be able to look for a place to live. 

It was a pretty good day overall, in spite of my distracted self at work.

1. Amazing tacos from my new favorite taco place. Spicy chicken street tacos. Smothered in hot salsa. My stomach might hate me but I’m so hungry for them all over again.

2. Hula hooping. I’ve finally figured it out! I put some music on outside and hooped for a good 40 minutes straight while A played on her scooter. I’m pretty pleased with myself. I have a ways to go before I’m doing tricks but I’m on my way. 

3. Cashew milk ice cream. Oh yes I’m back to that again. I’m a sucker for that salted caramel goodness. I was talking to a new friend last night about how amazing cashew milk ice cream is, and she suggested the snickerdoodle. I’ll try it sometime but right now the salted caramel is calling my name.

4. Dr. Who. I’m rewatching old episodes while writing. This show is so good on so many levels. Someday I’m going to watch the original seasons but for now it’s all about Rose Tyler. And David Tennant.

5. Looking forward to tomorrow. I should live in the present, I know (I know) but I’ve been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. In truth, it’s been the better part of a year, and regardless of what the outcome is I won’t be waiting to look for a place to live anymore. I can start looking. Plus, bonus, I have evening plans I’m kind of looking forward to.

It’s almost bedtime, but I don’t want to go to sleep yet. My thoughts are wild with the endless possibilities of directions things could go. And I suddenly feel the need for chips and salsa with my Dr. Who.

Day 41…music of the month edition

There are songs I can’t get enough of. They describe my feelings during a particular time, and I listen to them non-stop for a time, until a new song catches my fancy. My playlist is constantly upgrading, rotating the new songs in and the older ones out when they no longer suit my mood.

This month, I’ve had some really good songs. I think I’ve felt every range of emotion pretty deeply. I’ve let myself go emotionally, because I no longer want to bottle things up. And it feels right, because I’m coming out of it and I’m not harboring resentments or anger. I think I know myself better, and who I’ve evolved to.

1. J-boy, by Phoenix.  I literally smile every time I hear it. It’s upbeat and I want to throw my arms up and abandon myself to dancing. The lyrics are good too…the things I have to go through… 

2. Circadian Rhythm by Silversun Pickups. It’s beautiful.

3. Gimme Sympathy by Metric. It’s not a love song (I don’t think) but a song about life. It makes me happy, and my daughter giggles like crazy when I sing and dance it to her.

4. The System only Dreams in Total Darkness by The National. It’s dark. It’s moody. An excellent breakup song, and it feels so right.

4. Ran, by The Future Islands. It’s kind of sad and lonely to a tempo that would make me swing my hips if I wasn’t wailing along with the lead singer. It touches the part of me that craves an answer to the mystery. There’s a powerful emotion to this one that soothes me and wakes up a pain at the same time.

5. Clearest Blue, by Chvrches. “Will you meet me more than halfway this time”. Nuff said. 

Bonus…Green Light by Lorde. It just feels good. 

Day 40

It’s been a rather uninteresting day. Average days are good though, my sponsor tells me I need to have uneventful days. I have so much going on (divorce, homeless, children with behavioral issues) that a day where there isn’t a crisis and nothing huge happens is a good day. 

1. Ran into a kickball friend at work today. He was there for business, and we chatted for awhile. I ran through some of my life problems in short form, and he said to me, “you have a good job and no felonies. You’re way better off than a lot of people.” This is true. I have a place to stay with family, and food and a good job. Perspective.

2. One of my sisters stopped in at my work today. It was fun to see her briefly.

3. Received a stomach diagnosis. Gastritis, aka inflammation. I don’t have h pylori bacteria, which is good but there is no specific reason or cure for the inflammation. But! I know it isn’t ulcers, so that’s a good thing. I’ll take it.

4. Pancakes for dinner. Paleo pancakes. 6g of protein in each 4inch cake. And they tasted delicious as well. 

5. Snuggling the kitty. Little purr factory. God I love kittens. And he’s so good, hardly uses his claws. Come to mama…

Day 39

Today I had my stomach scoped. I’ve had so much pain that’s been getting worse where my doctor decided it was time to take a look.

I was expecting them to find ulcers. Honestly. But they didn’t find anything. Some biopsy results will come in tomorrow but with my luck those won’t show anything either. (Not to be pessimistic on my positivity blog, cue eyeroll) Eventually it’ll be figured out. I’m not worried about that or that it’s serious, I just don’t want to quit more foods.

I only brought this up because some of my positivity is a result of the endoscopy. Because they put me under during the procedure (whatever that anesthesia was, was INSTANT. HOLY CRAP I tasted it in my mouth, the guy said “fall asleep” and next thing I knew I was awake in a different room) I was not allowed to drive for twelve hours.

1. The confession. I’m glad I have a sense of humor and my family loves me. 

I have been under anesthesia several times, and it seems to hit me differently coming out each time. This time, I don’t remember much except telling my sister that she could ask me ANYTHING and I would tell her the truth. Like any good sister, she immediately texted my other sisters and had them submit questions. I vaguely recall something about the difference between an orange. More specifically, they screwed with my head and looking back it was pretty funny. Although I may have overshared some personal stuff, I would have done nothing less had it been the opposite.

2. Chillin with the kitten. He is such a mama’s boy. He follows me everywhere and sleeps on me and next to me. I saw some chart once showing cat ages in human years, making him 2 to 3 human years old and he acts it. Plays so hard and collapses. There’s nothing quite like holding a sleeping baby but holding his 4 lbs of fur was pretty close to it.

3. Walked to the nail salon and got my toes painted. I treat myself once a year, usually in the spring so I’m way overdue. But it was heavenly to be pampered for an hour, and bonus…two mile walk! Heeeeyyyyy…

4. Netflix and chill. Turned it into a Stranger Things marathon. Folded some laundry. Cleaned the bathroom floor. I can’t sit still long. Also made dinner and danced to my music because it was me and the kitty and I could. 

5. Meme war with the sisters.  This happens like once a week via group text. They make me laugh so hard. My personal favorite of the night:

And here is also a picture from my walk earlier…I thought the woods were lovely, dark, and deep.

Day 38

Been an odd sort of day here, weather wise. Started hot and sunny, then went gray and cloudy and got cold. Sun came back, and it now has a fall chill feel, windy and cool but sunny. More of a September or October kind of day. Not a fan, personally. I like hot and humid. But, it’s still summer and will warm up again Tuesday!

1. Church. Made an appearance for the first time since…January? Christmas? It’s been a long time. I wanted to try a new church so I could avoid the ex, but Aurora wanted her church, so we went. 

We lasted til just before the sermon before my tiny heathens made enough noise (actually, piercing screaming in the sanctuary right on cue when the prayer started) where I had to make a quick exit. But, I went! God knows I tried. 

2. Attempted to go to the zoo. Multiple times. We weren’t meant to go, apparently. And we were close to an animal shelter, so…we now have a kitten. I can’t explain it. I wanted an older cat, but this was the one that bonded after we played with a few. He’s adorable, and Aurora named him Storm. I tried suggesting Killer, Rampage, Cutthroat, orPrince Leopold but she wasnt having it. Storm isn’t a bad choice. 

3. Juliet is afraid of the kitten. This shouldn’t be a positive, but I’m a terrible person. So on the drive back, the kitten is in a box with holes in the space between the car seats in back. Suddenly, Juliet starts screaming hysterically. I look in back (I’m on the freeway as this is happening going 60mph) and the kitten has it’s full leg put the hole and is batting at her carseat. She’s terrified. And I can’t stop laughing. She calms down and 5 minutes later starts screaming again. I look back, and this time its got it’s little black snout out the hole and is licking it’s teeth. 5 more minutes, and its batting at her again. No doubt in my mind. This cat was meant to be ours.

4. Pizza for dinner, from my favorite (and only) pizza place. I had to force myself to not eat the whole thing. Gluten free deliciousness with daiya cheese. 

5. Found fake pringles. They are made from potatoes mostly with powdered broccoli, peas and spinach. They taste like I remember pringles (aka HEAVEN) and I’ve been downing them like crazy. 

Things are winding down, and I’ve got a craving to rewatch Stranger Things. I’m cut off from Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, and I need a horror fix that won’t really keep me up all night. I’m choosy about my horror. Someone needs to invite me over to watch their cable for a while. 😐

Day 37

I missed posting yesterday because I was out very late. I needed to sleep as soon as I got back to my sister’s couch. (Thats where I sleep until further notice) So I will mish mash some of yesterday in with today…both have been very good days.

1. Worked only a half day yesterday. Daycare was closed, so the ex took the kids in the morning, and I took them in the afternoon. Friday’s are dead in the summer, so while I do enjoy working in complete peace and quiet it was nice to enjoy an afternoon off with my babies.

2. Walk to the park with the girls, also yesterday. It kind of ended disastrously but the majority of it was fun. I love playing with them at the playground.

3. Food. Omg. So, back around Christmas my AA sponsor had a party for her sponsees. I have food issues (gluten, dairy and soy intolerances…its bad) so this woman, knowing my issues made me this amazing wonderful dish. I was with a friend, and he talked me into contacting her (this was after I went ON AND ON about this amazing dish) to get her recipe. 

A miracle happened…she answered right away and got me the recipe. We made it…and I may have had a food orgasm. It was Italian sausage, with mushrooms, garlic and onion and herbs in coconut milk. We ate it over rice (previously I’d eaten it over noodles). So. Good. I might make it again Monday.

4. Pool day! Miss Juliet needed a new swimsuit, and she now has a supergirl suit. Death by cuteness. Aurora had a ton of fun there too, we spent a couple hours at the water park. 

5. Pool party…there was a big sober event tonight at a different water park. No kids this time, I hired my patient and wonderful cousin to watch my sweet little velociraptors for a few hours. I heard some AA speakers, and then it was off to the water. I lost my sunglasses when I went on the diving board (because not paying attention is how I roll) and some really nice guy dived in and got them back for me.

6. Dancing at the pool. Why stop at just fun in the water? There was a dj and I danced with glow sticks and light up balls flying through the air. I danced with my friends for the sheer joy of it. And even danced while in the pool at one point. (Bucket list, check) I love to dance. I don’t understand people who don’t. My feet hurt a little from dancing for hours barefoot on pavement but it’s a good hurt.

7. Shower. I took a long, delicious shower when I got back. I’m soft and clean and smell good. I love it.

8. Bonus, after getting that recipe I now have a coffee date planned with the woman who gave me the recipe. I haven’t seen her since the holidays, and she’s cool as hell so I’m excited! New friend!

Anyone who thinks getting sober means the fun is over is wrong. They just haven’t found the right sober people to hang out with. 💖

Day 36

1. The Wheel of Time book 14. The final book. I’m 20% through already. I was told that pretty much everyone who reads this book cries because it’s so good and sad. I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’ve been reading this series since late February, when my life changes started so I feel strange with it ending so soon. 
2. Leftover homemade hamburger something or other I made the other night for lunch. It had rice, seasonings, and tomatoes in it, and it tasted like a hug from mom. 

3. China is creeping on this site. I’m not sure about their intentions. But no such thing as bad publicity? Maybe?

4. Music. Every song I heard today was just what the soul needed.

5. Played with the kids outside a bit. I need a big yard. I’ve decided that’s a must have when I finally get to start looking for a home.

I saw a tarot reader a couple months ago. I don’t hold much with fortune telling but I’d never done it so I thought why the hell not. She told me my life was burning down and this was my opportunity to rebuild into the life i want. Whoa. This from a woman who knew nothing about me other than my name. (She knew more than that, it was scary) She also told me I needed to become “the highest form of woman” or something to that effect. (What does that MEAN?)

I would like to know when the rebuilding will start. I feel like it’s still burning down and while it’s been bad it’s getting worse. I have this opportunity for a new life that I wanted so badly but I can’t start making it yet. I’m in limbo. Purgatory, if you will. 

I’m still hopeful. Just impatient. And I could really use a good hug. 

Day 35

Ok. Not really day 35. I was naughty and skipped a couple days. In my defense, yesterday was a piece of work only the devil could have created. And Monday was no better.

I keep hearing things have to get worse before they can get better. I wonder how that’s possible sometimes. Oh, I KNOW things could be worse. Many people have it so much worse than I do. But denying my life is painful now is denying the feelings I need to feel. And I want to feel those painful awful things only as long as I need to so I can enjoy the good things when they come to their absolute fullest. I believe they’ll come someday. And until then…

1. Green Light by Lorde. I can’t stand her music generally speaking, but I’m drinking this song like water. 

2. Since we’re on the music topic, my other new song is Fatal Gift by Emily Haines and The Soft Skeleton. There’s a piece in the melody at the beginning, and it calls me. 

3. Had a smoke with some coworkers I don’t talk to fairly regularly, and they made me laugh. For once the conversation was not about me and maybe I should make more of a habit of that.

4. Meeting night. Mixed feelings about it right now, but ultimately it’s home. Pretty much the only home I’ve got right now. :/

5. Had a long conversation with another single parent. This technically happened yesterday but the conversation crossed midnight so it counts. Anyway. I have another person who’s dealing with similar issues and it’s such a gigantic relief that someone else GETS it. 

Day 34

1. Got to sleep in

2. Motorcycle ride with an old friend. I haven’t been on one in about ten years, and it was fun

3. One of the places we visited was a lookout in Red Wing. You can see so far. It was so pretty. 

4. Food. Ate at a place in Miesville that serves like 150 different kinds of hamburgers. No joke. And I got a California style one with no bun. I don’t know if that’s sad or ironic. (Does the word ironic even apply here?)

5. Netflix and chill by myself. Except it’s not Netflix. It’s Amazon video, and I’m so tired i can’t stay up to watch more.